So we are two days from Showcase and this is when all the little doubts start creeping into my head. Part of it is physical. I woke up Tuesday with a headache and its be on again/off again since then. Plus there are so many parts of me that are tired and/or sore. My legs feel like lead right now. And the last couple of runs have felt like sloppy, out of control messes which just brings on more of the “what the heck am I doing this for” thoughts.
OwnerGuy did describe this as an “Athletic Tango” and he’s not wrong. I’ve been able to keep up a consistent work out routine even without going to the gym but ballroom seems to use different muscles. Or maybe it uses them in a different way. I’m going to assume I’m probably in better shape than a lot of people my age but I sure ain’t no spring chicken. I’m just glad I’m only doing this one routine. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if this was going to be a real Showcase with lots of heats.
Guess with the long break, I kind of forgot how intense full out practicing for something like can be.
I’ve been at these crossroads many times throughout my ballroom life. When they toss something challenging at me, I have two parts of my mind speaking to me. The one that is convinced I can’t do it and keeps bringing up the “why are we doing this again?” thoughts. Wouldn’t it just be nicer to stay home and relax?
The other part tells me that I’ll hate myself more by giving up. When the going gets tough, you know the rest. Past history tells me that knocking this out is going to feel great. So I need to just keep fighting through it.
I suspect this may sound silly to some people. I mean its just an in studio event and its not like I’m going to win anything. All I’m going to get is some critique from the owner of a nearby studio who is coming to judge. But this is the part where I really can’t seem to find the words strong enough to express the feelings. There is always that moment of standing there and hearing your name called and waiting for the music to start. That wonderful combination of fear and adrenaline because this is the one that counts and it is your moment to step into the spotlight and show what you can do. And then you come alive on the dance floor and start feeding off the energy of the crowd and kind of hoping the moment goes on forever but it ends quicker than you expect. And when you are done, there is that quiet pride because you did something that seemed impossible the first time you saw it. Is it worth the grind and the soreness? Yeah, it is.
All I have to do is not get too far inside my head these next two days. As we were practicing last night, PJ would always ask me how I was feeling or what I was thinking. This gets dangerous because I never want to let on how much of a mess I felt something was. I have to try and focus and find what part felt the worst so we can focus on that.
I mean I could talk about those fears and insecurities and how I feel that things aren’t going to come together or that this routine is still just a little beyond my reach. I know I’d get some reassurance. Maybe that would help but I also know that unless I believe it myself, it isn’t going to matter what someone else tells me.
So we just keep pushing forward.