Hiding Out

So I spent the better part of Wednesday and Thursday kind of in seclusion. I know this is not always productive when one has things that must be done so I can’t hide forever. There are just times when I just need to turn off the outside world and just focus on stuff I like to do.

I’m not sure what all the triggers were or are that put me in a bad place earlier in the week. Maybe just at a very basic level is it that I don’t really like changes and my life is going through some very big changes. There’s a comfort level when things are kind of in a steady state but now there is really just a lot of uncertainty and chaos and it is hard to deal with.

As much as there is stress about not working, there is another part of me that really wants it to just be over. I know they’ll be some strong emotions when the door is finally closed but, for some reason, I find it hard to truly focus on the future when the past is still hanging around.

In one of those coincidences that may not really be a coincidence, the local Y is running a new member special the first part of May. My trainer actually uses one of the locations and she speaks highly of it. So that seems like a viable option once I can no longer use the fitness center at work. That may be one piece of the future sliding into place.

We’ve had a lot of rainy days and temperatures all over the place and that is not making my thumbs happy. And typing like this doesn’t help. Living with pain that flares up from time to time is not a heck of a lot of fun and that probably helped take me to a darker place. It is just easy to fall into that trap when you start to think about what is going to happen over time and waiting for the next joint to start to flare up.

Did have an interesting experience at the occupational therapist today. They have a hot paraffin wax thing so I got to dip my hands into that. It was a little strange but the heat felt good. That is until the therapist starting working on my hands. There are certain muscles around the thumb that they want to strengthen but when I was trying to do one of the exercises, it seems that I don’t have as much mobility as she was hoping for. So she was manipulating the thumb to rotate it into the position I’m supposed to be in. That didn’t feel so great. This is another part of the problem. When something hurts, we naturally try to avoid movements that trigger pain but that often puts stress on other parts and then weird things start happening.

I did go to my lesson yesterday but I wasn’t feeling up to group or party so I took off. We did mostly Mambo and working on a few parts that didn’t feel quite right. I told JoNY that I was going to skip Showcase because I do think that is the right thing for me at this time. She told OwnerGuy so he came over to talk to me. Sometimes you don’t know if they are concerned about you as a person or just wanting to make sure you remain a paying customer. So he was talking about how I could just do a few if that would be less stressful. Trouble is that whether I’m doing 1 Waltz heat or 6, I’m still going to want them to be perfect and I’m still going to stress out at practice when they aren’t. Plus, I would still have to be there the entire day.

Would it help to get my mind off the next day at work? Yeah, I’m sure it would. But what it ultimately comes down to is that the work stuff would interfere with practices leading up to Showcase and that would impact my performance. And I’d be getting a lot of feedback that might not be useful. So I’m going to have to tell him that I’m out for this one.

I talked with the outplacement people on Wednesday. I kind of laid out my case. I don’t know what I want to do but I know what I don’t want to do which limits my options. But there is still some value in getting an updated resume in the event that some dream opportunity comes along. So it means I have to sift through the exercises and think about my strengths and come up with accomplishments which will help build branding statements. Maybe I’ll get into that and just hate it so much that I’ll decide it isn’t worth it to get a nice fancy resume. Talking myself up isn’t one of my strengths.

Tomorrow is Saturday and the good news is that our local farmer’s market officially opens. Being that it is way early in the season, the only real local produce is early season greens (lettuce and spinach) and probably some very small spring onions. Still, we’ve gotten to know a lot of the people there so it will be nice to see them again. So that’s my highlight for tomorrow.