Restless

Tomorrow it will be four weeks since my job responsibilities ended. I guess maybe a few things are starting to catch up with me. I spend time in front of the computer doing things that are entertaining but ultimately just serve to pass the time. So now I’m wondering if this is it. Something says I should be doing more. Shouldn’t I be out living my life and not spending most of my time on line watching other lives.

Which then gets into that question I’ve been thinking about for a bit which is what do I want to do with this next chapter in my life. I don’t have a lot of good reference points. I know a couple of people who retired last year but they had a lot of activities to keep them busy so it was just a matter of trading one set of things for another.

One thing that still seems clear to me is that I’m not wanting to go back into another corporate job. I drive by places of business and I see the parking lots full of cars and I know the buildings contain lots of people going about their daily duties. Maybe they find some value in them. I hope they do. To me, these places look at feel like brick and glass prisons. They give you a paycheck but it almost seems like a deal with the devil – you sign your soul over to them for the supposed security of money and benefits. Yeah, I’ve still got a lot of anti corporate stuff to work through.

And, I have to honest, I’m enjoying the freedom. I liked this morning just walking down to get the paper as the sun was coming up and the birds were singing and it was great to realize that I could just sit and enjoy it without having to worry about rushing off to work. And every day can give you something slightly different to enjoy but shouldn’t there be more. Am I just being lazy and wanting to sit around and do as little as possible.

There is another part of me that wants to get on with my life but I’m still tethered to work. I mean I have to figure out a place where I can go to work out because I don’t want to lose that completely. I’ve got a couple of options but it is hard to go explore when I still have the option of going to the fitness center at work. (Like I’m doing later today).

While this is going to seem unrelated, it is adding to the sense of unease that I’m feeling more and more. I’ve mentioned that my hands are starting to ache – its at the base of the thumb and it feels like it is just arthritis which I am going to have checked out. At work, I wasn’t actually on the computer that much. Certainly to check email and the like but a lot of it was passive activities – reading stuff on line and only checking a box at the end to indicate approval. Here, I’ve been doing more actual typing and I wonder if that is aggravating my hands. So what if that now becomes a limitation I have to deal with. Its like my Dad losing his sight which took away a lot of activities he enjoyed. Yes, that’s getting ahead of myself quite a bit but it is just this uncertainty about what life has planned for me.

And I’m going to toss some ballroom anxiety in as well. Yes, this is all self created drama, I’m well aware of that. The real reason I’m hesitating on Showcase is the weight I’ve gained makes it harder to fit into my smooth vest. I had to safety pin it in place for the fall and I was embarrassed about that all day. Over time, I’ve managed to take some weight off but not enough so it is a tight squeeze. And that makes me not want to go but that’s all about vanity and that’s really hard to explain to OwnerGuy and JoNY. Yeah, I don’t want to go because I’m embarrassed about how I look and that’s all I’ll be thinking about the whole day. Pathetic, I know.

The day after Showcase is my last official day at work and that Monday I need to turn in my stuff. It would probably be best to be busy that day before since I wouldn’t be thinking about it. Then again, I know that the day after Showcase is kind of a strange day anyway and having to gather up everything and say goodbye the next day just feels wrong. I know this is all in the category of non-problem problems, but it is the stuff going through my mind right now.

That’s all I’ve got. Lots of stuff just racing through my mind. I know that I’m not really locked into having to decide certain things right now but it just feels like I should be.