Once More Unto the Breech

When this post comes out, I will be on the way to doing something I never thought I would do again. I haven’t mentioned it before because I just didn’t want to really say much about it. I’ll be going with several other students to a big dance event. Think Showcase with more studios, more people and many judges.

I could look back to see when the last one was but I’m too lazy. Seven years seems about right. Why would I do this again? I don’t know but I’m just going to ramble on here for a bit because my mind is going 100 mph right now.

I guess because there is some part of me that is curious to see how it goes with a new partner. And, there is a larger group going than many of the ones I did in the past so that might help make it more fun. I suppose there is a part of me that wants to see how I do on a bigger stage at this stage in my dance life. I think that’s a combination of what I was thinking when I agreed to do this.

Now, I scaled way back on what they wanted me to do because that was the only way I could justify the cost. Most of the cost is in the room and meals but you could easily double the amount by signing up for a whole bunch of heats and competitions. I know one guy who is doing that. The plus is it reduces down time and I could see the argument that if you are going to drop all that money, then why not just go for it and max out the dances.

If I cared more about competing then maybe that would make sense to me but the cost thing is just hard for me to get over. So I’m only doing individual dance heats and not the more competitive events.

I’m thinking that once I get there, things will be OK. Right now, there is a large part of me that doesn’t want to go. Lots and lots of second thoughts and second guessing my decision. Like I said, I’m not a serious competitive dancer so is this really the thing I should be doing?

I know the floors are going to be jam packed. Both during the events and then at the two social dances they have each night. Don’t like crowded floors. Know I have to deal with them but I don’t like them. The best part of dance for me is stacking a few patterns together and just smoothly moving from one to the other. Feels like dancing is suppose to feel. Not having to constantly scan the surroundings and maybe even toss in a hesitation or two until someone gets out of your way. Its dancing but much less fun.

The judge thing kind of bugs me as well although I know that’s all part of the game. As we’ve been working the last couple of weeks, it is all these little pointers about all the things you are supposed to do to impress the judges. Or if not to impress at least to make them take you seriously. But then who are you dancing for?

It isn’t that I’m freaked out about the judges but it just becomes a constant reminder of the things I know I don’t do as well for various reasons. There is only so much lowering you can do when your knees don’t function well. And if I’m always going to be dinged for that, why would I want to subject myself to that? What am I going to learn except for the shortcomings I already know I’ve got. We’re trying to do things to mask what I can’t do but that isn’t always going to work out.

The funny thing about the marks is I know how I interpret them. If they are good, I tend to discount them. If they are bad, then it just brings about a cycle of questioning why I’m continuing to do this. Yes, that’s a problem. Yes, I know its a problem. Yes, I’m working on it.

After all these years, I kind of have a handle on skill set. When I’m on, I can generally make things look good and easy and a lot of people like seeing that. I also know I’m not the most technically proficient dancer in some of the dances. My frame is generally good but it can collapse at times. My footwork in the Rhythm dances sometimes isn’t. Timing is always a crap shoot. There are many times I need to move more through the upper body.

So what am I going to learn this weekend? Anything?

I guess you could say you do something just to prove you can do it. I’ve heard that before. Maybe there’s truth to that. I’ve done this before though so what else do I have to prove? And do I really need to prove anything to anyone but me? If so, what do I want to prove to myself? These are the things that just keep coming up as my mind spins while I try to figure out why in the world I agreed to do this again.

Oh and just for fun, my right knee decided that this would be a good time to start acting up. Today was better than yesterday when it felt like it was going to give out on me a time or two but it isn’t ideal. My body trying to tell me something????

At the end of the day, it’s happening whether I want it to or not. The thing for me to do is just put all this stuff in the back of my mind and just focus on trying to dance the best I can and see what happens.