Half-Empty or Half-Full

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Yes, there is dancing news worth discussing.  I’ll be honest that this is still a struggle.  I’m doing what I can to keep an open mind and just let the process unfold and not try to form an opinion too soon.  The problem is every time I dance something with JoNY, my body screams out “It was BETTER with KID T.  WE WANT HER BACK!”.  Then, I say she’s not coming back and this is our new reality and we have to give it a chance and then I get confused about how I really feel.

On the plus side, OwnerGuy was more engaged yesterday.  Although he did ask me if I still do West Coast Swing.  Um, dude, did you talk with Kid T before she left?  Did you look at the notes she left?  There’s a little West Coast Swing amalgamation right there.  Do some homework.   But he said I should continue West Coast and I said I planned to while I was thinking “did I ever say I was going to drop it?”.

I can’t lie about one thing and that is that trying to lead JoNY through things that Kid T and I used to breeze through is damaging my calm and my self-confidence which is pretty fragile to start with.  I know she’s not in Silver although I would have thought she’d be working on some of the steps but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  I also “know” that if I took someone in early bronze and tried to lead them through these steps that it would be a disaster.  No getting around the fact that dancing is a team effort and the best leader in the world (which is not me) would be limited in what they could make a beginner do.  Of course I still have a lot to learn about proper lead/follow but our struggles are not solely a function of my leading skill.

But this is one of those times when my logical side is trying to be all calm and rational and analytic and saying things like that but my emotional side is saying “No, you can’t lead her, you must suck.”  For the most part, the logical side is winning the argument but it is hard to keep the emotional side under control when something goes hideously wrong on a lesson.

Again, I have to give OwnerGuy credit.  He is trying and he’s wanting to show me some different and more advanced ways of leading.  These will supposedly be easier to follow and also a little less work for me but a bit more dynamic.  At least, this is what he promised.  In the Swing last night, he was trying to change the way I do triple steps and my muscle memory was fighting for all its worth.  It brought me back to that awkward stage where you are first learning something.  And, again, my logical side is telling me this part of the process because dance is a continual cycle of learning.  But that stupid emotional side is using this as additional evidence of my suckiness.

At the end of the day, I’m still trying to figure out how I really feel about this and whether this is something I want to continue with and other important questions.

There’s another little thing going on that will make me appear overly sensitive but I just don’t get how some people work.  I went to the master class (FoxTrot) last night.  It was pretty good with the focus just on body rotation and promenade position.  But we were long on men so Z had to join in as one of the followers.  And, of course, like all good Famous Franchise group classes, they rotate partners.  At one point, the guy had us using a wide non dance frame but then he told us to get into frame.  I wasn’t even close to her at the time but she yells out something about how now I have to touch her.  This type of comment throws me a bit because we aren’t working together and there is no reason for her to be tossing one liners about me into the mix.  Then, we did eventually get around to dancing with each other and she’s totally silent but, when she moves on after the rotation, she says “See, you survived”.

I suppose it is no big deal since she’s sarcastic with almost everyone and most especially her students.  But I tend to get singled out a lot which I just find odd since I’m not her student anymore.  It could be some kind of vicious cycle because I have skipped a lot of groups that she was teaching because I didn’t feel comfortable and maybe that feeds her impression that I really don’t enjoy dancing with her.  But why not just let it be?  We have had short pleasant conversations from time to time when nobodies around.  Why not just leave it with that.

It was like one of Kid T’s last days.  She was sitting off to the side with some of her students and made some sarcastic comment about how I wouldn’t have to worry about timing if I got back together with her.  A couple of days after Kid T left, she came up to me in private and talked about how she told OwnerGuy she really didn’t want to work with me again.  Which I’m fine with because the feeling is totally mutual.  So why make a comment like she did?  I’m all about sarcasm – it is definitely one of my skill sets.  But I save it for a select group of people who don’t seem to be bothered and can give as good as they get.  I should stop talking about this because it does make me seem way too sensitive but, really, I’d prefer it if we kept the relationship at the occasional polite conversation stage.

Have to toss in a work story as well.  Out of the blue this morning, I got a text from one of the people who I had to let go last year.  Technically, my boss was the axe lady but I put them on the list.  The small fact you need to know is that every review was roughly the same with me telling her that she does a good job but what limits her is the fact that she is more comfortable sitting in her cube with headphones on and turning out the rest of the world.  Now, as an introvert, it pains me to have to tell another introvert that she needs to find a way to speak up more often but, in our world, if you represent the group on a project team, then you have to learn to step outside your comfort zone and express opinions and give options because that is part of your responsibilities as a team member.  Also, because I knew she was capable of offering more I wanted her to realize that.  Anyway, she was texting me to thank me for saying all that to her over the years?!?

See, she’s got a new job and it has a bit more responsibility than she previously had so it is pushing her a bit.  And she said she hears my voice telling her to speak up and let her voice be heard and she’s using that to push through the uncomfortable stuff.  She said she is very happy with the new job and maybe that is in part helping her to find her voice.   Again, you just never know when you are going to influence someone else.  No, I’ll let someone else say it better – except ignore the hole part, nobody has shown me what life would be like without me and I really don’t want to know.

Its a good day when you can find a clip from Its a Wonderful Life that seems to fit in a post.

Well that’s all for now.

One comment

  1. I don’t know ‘z’ so as an outsider perhaps I shouldn’t comment, but from what you have said, sarcastic or not, those comments seem really off side, unnecessary and borderline hurtful.

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