A long, long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away), OwnerGuy talked about how you bring the events of the day into your lesson and how it can impact you. I suppose some people are better at partitioning their lives so they can just shut off the real world and focus on dance. I’m not always able to do that.
I got another pep talk from Kid T as the pre Check Out Freak Out continued today. She talked about how we’ve done routines at Showcases that were much more complicated than the closed routines I’m doing for check out. And, that we’ve been working on these for quite some time so I know them better than I think. And that each dance is likely going to be only 45 seconds long. Surely, I can hold things together for 45 seconds. Without saying it, she was implying that I’ve done harder things and gotten through them so I don’t need to be as worried about this stupid little check out.
It got me to thinking a bit and there’s been a lot of other stuff going on this week. I’ll give you my list and it will probably not sound like a lot but it is all stuff that just hits some emotional nerves. And I’m just going to feel things a little more deeply so these things just kind of rattle around in my head and bleed into my prep for the Check Out. All the things I wrote about not liking to be judged are also true so it is kind of a double whammy of crap.
You see, this week at work I’ve had to do performance appraisals. The actual appraisals are not the issue. But we are still dealing with a great deal of uncertainty at work and so when people start asking about the future I kind of have to shrug and say “I dunno”. As a manager, I don’t want to be Nancy Negative but then I’ve never been good at blowing sunshine up people’s nether regions. It goes against my grain to give people false hope about the future when I don’t feel or see it. For me, I’m in a place in my life where there’s less work days in front of the horse than riding in the back of this cart. So if the ship hits the iceberg and goes down, I’ll be OK. But many of the people who work for me still have a lot of years left and they have families and kids that need support and it hurts to think they might not have a future.
It also sucks that we are right now like a rudderless ship just adrift in the ocean. No communication, no leadership, no direction, no nothing. Maybe we’ll eventually get the engines going and get to port but it seems just as likely that we’ll end up drifting into the iceberg and going down.
I got my review from my boss and it is the last one we are going to do. Again, she’s not the perfect boss but you work for someone for 20+ years and you get used to each other. The fact that she’s being let go is just more change and I don’t like a lot of change. With the other people who left, I just feel more and more like part of the past and not part of the future. Which sucks by the way.
Tomorrow is my Dad’s birthday. I usually send him steaks but I sent him some for Christmas and for a whole host of reasons, he hasn’t finished them. He’s got someone coming in to cook but I think he forgets they are there. So I ended up sending some fruit which seems lame but it is something he can eat on his own and he’s not drinking enough so maybe this is a way to get some hydration. Anyway, he called yesterday and we talked a bit. He’s really just taking things a day at a time but you can tell he’s still very sad. And that just makes me sad. I feel a little guilt about not being able to go up there for his birthday but we just got back from vacation and there is work even though it sucks, they still expect me to show up.
So what else can toss on to the fire? Well, we’ve got a dog who is probably 17 years old. She’s really kind of a pain to deal with now because her back legs are weak meaning she wobbles around a lot. There are times she ends up dragging one leg behind her and there are times she just can’t stand up anymore and just flops on the ground. She hates going up and down stairs but the only way she can get outside is to go down some stairs. It hurts to see her dragging that leg and I keep looking into her eyes to see if the spark has gone out. She still loves her food though and she doesn’t really seem to be in a lot of pain – it is just muscle weakness and age that makes it hard for her to get around. We are getting close to that day where we’ll have to make the tough decision and that is the worst day for a pet owner.
Oh, and while I’m at it, let’s just toss this out there. I’ve got that little dryness/soreness in the back of your throat that might be sinus drainage or it could be the first sign of a cold.
And the weather here sucks. I should consider us fortunate because we’ve missed all the snow. But last week I was in the sun and now I’ve got clouds, snow flurries and freezing temperatures. The cold weather coupled with the number of meetings I’ve had means that I haven’t had opportunities to really get up and be active during the day.
I don’t mean for this to sound like a pity party. This is just the part of me that writes stuff down so I can get my head around all the things that might be amplifying the anxiety around the Check Out. I think all of this is certainly contributing to me blowing this thing way out of proportion. It is hard to stop the real world from bleeding into the dance world but knowing that this stuff is there and getting it out may just help take the stress level down a bit.