Time Passages

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I’m not good at remembering exact dates.  I do have a certain number of birthdays hardwired into my head and I can narrow my anniversary to two days in May.  To be fair, my younger brother was married on one of the other days but several years apart.  The good news for me is that the date is inscribed in my ring so as long as I have my glasses, I can figure it out.

A lot of times, I can tie events to other events and then I can go back in time.  Alright, that was way too high level even for me.  Let me make it simpler.  During football season, it is easy because there aren’t as many games to keep track of and if I’m watching a game and something else happens, then I can always link it to that game.  Show me a football schedule later and I can say “and that’s the date that such and such happened”.

Anyway, I only bring this up because on the day Mom died, there were two playoff games.  When we first got there and she was still with us, we had the TV on with the sound down just to keep track of the game.  Sounds silly but there was little to do except be there and try to keep her comfortable as she slipped away.  I was also checking flight schedules every so often to keep tab on my sister’s flight so I could tell Pop where she was.  And we were texting my older brother to get recurring updates on his location.

There were two more football games the next day but, again, they were kind of background noise at the house while we dealt with other things.  When you look at the run down of NFL playoffs, a lot of sites will show you the entire bracket so I see those first games and I flash back to the hospital room.  I guess for some time, those games will be linked with Mom and her last day.

There is another reminder of past events although this one is a short term thing.  For some reason, I tend to save credit card receipts and then try to reconcile when I get the bill.  So I see a bill from a dinner out and I can flash back to that dinner.  You get to relive the last month just briefly.  This last set of bills included the card I tend to use for mail order stuff so it had the stuff I ordered for them for Christmas.

I’m not a real good organizer of things.  I tend to drop everything into a pile and then sort it out once a week.  So all of the various receipts from last week were there to be sorted out.  There was the trip to the grocery store to get some stuff for Dad.  The two restaurant receipts from the dinner and breakfast we shared as a family.  The one from the kennel when I picked up the dogs after we got back.  The one from the funeral home for the flowers we bought.  Every one triggered some memory of the last week.  It was kind of weird because there was so much going on that it was really hard to do a lot of reflecting so just sorting through this stuff gave me some more time to think about all that went on last week.

I also know that I’ve unintentionally set up a system where I will get future reminders.  If you are on Facebook, you know that it randomly selects past posts from time to time and gives you a second chance to put them on display.  I’m pretty sure the algos key in on posts that got lots of feedback.  Well I’ve been all over Facebook this last week and I suspect I’ll see those posts again next year and perhaps for years to follow.

I think I mentioned this before but I had taken two and a half weeks of vacation at the end of the year.  I was all ready to go back to work on the 8th but that didn’t happen.  Today happens to be a work holiday so it is one more day when I’m home with my thoughts.  I’d go out but it is snowing right now and I don’t feel like dealing with my driveway right now.

I had to cancel all my dance lessons for last week so that means that I’ve basically gone three weeks without any dancing.  I’m supposed to have a lesson tonight but, there is that snow I mentioned earlier.  I think things will be clear enough to get out so that may be my first attempt to get back to what I normally do.

I know I have to return to life because one can’t hide out here forever.  The social media part was nice because I could get all the responses in print without having to see the other person and I could break down in private.  It is weird because part of me wants to have the contact and talk about it and another part of me doesn’t.  It is something I’ve mentioned before and that is whether the other person really cares about you and your feelings.  Too often, people just end up turning things back on themselves.  “Oh so sorry to hear about your Mom, I remember when I lost my Dad xx number of years ago and then ….”.  Then I have to go back to listening and all that.  So its a mixed bag.

Sorry if this wasn’t much of a post.  I thought I had an idea but I don’t think it really came together.  But I’ll keep it just the same.  I did read in a couple of places that some of us (INFP’s) like to write things out to sort out feelings so I guess that’s what I’m doing here.

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