Showcase already feels like it was a month ago and we haven’t even reached a week yet. I have reached a point where I feel drained and empty and I need to sort some stuff out. I had to decline an invite from Hilde who wanted to go dancing tomorrow because I just need some down time. I’ve also cancelled my next lesson with Mindy and even some training sessions because my body is telling me I need rest. I left the party after dancing just one cha-cha for a lot of the same reasons.
Its a combination of things. Work basically sucks right now. They made their decision to cut but now, as we approach the end of the year, project teams are faced with the spend it or lose it on their budgets so projects that were dormant for the longest time are roaring back to life. So we are short staffed and busy and I can sense the stress coming from others. I try to be zen and calming but I expend a lot of energy doing that.
Then, we had something happen today that just goes against my values. I hate office politics. I hate being lied to. I hate people in power treating others like chess pieces that can be moved all over the board. I hate long winded people who use lots of words but never manage to say anything of substance. I hate buzzwords. I hate bullshit.
Can’t give you too many details except to say that there was a decision to be made about one of the people on my team. I get a message from my boss yesterday to attend some meeting to discuss this without getting any background on all the other conversations that had been happening. It was painfully clear that the decision had already been made and this was just a sales job to get me to agree to give me the illusion that I actually had a part in the process. I managed to hold my tongue but after the first 45 minutes, I really just wanted to say “You’ve already made the decision, what more do you want out of me?”. Why can’t you just deal honestly with people. I really hate the corporate world some days.
There are times that dance is my refuge and I can put away all the crap that happens in my work life and just transport to another place. But, when dance isn’t in balance, it doesn’t work that well. We started to work on our Swing routine for Showstoppers and, to be blunt, I hate it. But I can’t say that to Kid T because then I’d be pooping all over her vision and I don’t want to do that. I’m trying to warm up to it but it is just difficult.
Alright, it is confession time here. I got a lot of feedback about needing more styling in my dances so Kid T took that and ran with it for this routine. Which is another reason I don’t feel right saying anything. Because I’d also get the “this is what you said you wanted” and I hate that. There’s a section where we are apart and doing these silly little tap steps and then she’s brought back a lot of stuff from the open routine that I don’t like because I struggle with it.
So, it is just picking at all of my fears. I feel stupid and exposed and alone in some parts and it just naturally makes me want to pull myself into a shell which is the opposite of what I need to do. See, this is another paradox I can’t quite work through. Put me in a costume in front of a room full of people and I’m willing to do a lot of “silly” things. But to do it in the studio makes me feel awkward and self-conscious and then the defense mechanisms kick in. It just amplifies some of the bad stuff from work so dance becomes a stressor which it shouldn’t be.
It was strange because after a very successful Showcase and the first great coaching lesson, there was one voice screaming “Yeah, let’s keep going and build on this momentum”. Then, we started working on this Swing routine and I saw what it was actually going to take to add more style and another little voice started talking to me. This one was making the case that, at some point, I’ll have to stop dancing. You never get to cross a finish line in dance. So why not go out on a high note. Why should I keep putting myself through this. I could find another way to stay active and probably another activity to be my creative outlet.
At the end of the day, I’m very unlikely to listen to that second voice. But, I do need to explore what it has to say and sort out why I’m thinking that way.
The good news is I just have one lesson next week due to the holiday and I’m taking a couple of days off work. Time to rest, recharge and think a few more things over.