Tough conversation #2. Had another one of my team in my office today. Super bright and super talented and the type of person a company would want to keep. And you could see that the light is close to going out in him. He even said if I wanted to put him on the out list to save someone else that I should do that because he doesn’t see a long term future and he figures his chances at finding another job are better.
Yeah, they don’t teach you how to respond to stuff like this in management 101. But it shows that there is damage being done the longer this drags out with no resolution and nothing but silence from the people who are making the calls. What people have told me is that it would be easier to take if we had some kind of vision of the future – something that would make the sacrifice meaningful. Sadly, I don’t think we will get that.
Last night we went over both routines. Actually, we started with the Mambo since we didn’t complete that the day before. I was struggling with things and falling into the same trap and then Kid T stops the lesson to try and make me isolate the points that were feeling especially off and we went over those in much more detail. All the while, she’s telling me that she knows I can do this. I’m starting to worry because I don’t want to spend a lot of time on Mambo when I still have serious concerns about the two step. But, she went over the Mambo one last time and then put on the music and it was honestly like some switch flipped in my brain. Maybe because I just didn’t have time to think about it but suddenly the moves were just coming to me.
The Country Waltz looks to be OK. The Two Step is still rough and I started to lose a part that I hadn’t messed up previously. Once you get into the grip and start overthinking, then things that were easy suddenly become complicated. And the more you think about it, the harder it becomes. A move that was once natural know feels awkward and wrong and you can’t figure out how to make it right. And that spiral starts off slow but it eventually picks up speed and just sucks you right down.
The good news is we didn’t get there. The routine is rough but this is the first time we are doing it so it is OK to be rough. We ran through it multiple times with music and without her counting and I managed to do OK. I certainly started on time which is a good thing.
Tonight is going to be a cram session. We are just going to crank through everything. All the closed, all the opens, all the off dances and the routines. One or two times for each in rapid succession without stopping. And then it will be Showcase time on Sunday. I really kind of thought I had beaten back the pre show jitters but they have hit me big time. I’m going to use the events happening at work as the reason. I think my emotions are just a jumbled mess and it is hard to stay on top of them. I know that probably sounds really unmanly but it is what it is. I just have to keep telling myself that this is who I am. I’m going to feel things deeply and when there is uncertainty and people have fears and other strong emotions, I’m going to feel it even more.
And then I keep finding things that just set me off. I’m a serious animal lover and when I see stories of the dogs and other animals left behind in the two recent hurricanes, it just tears me up inside. During Harvey, some photographer caught a photo of an opossum seeking shelter on a bridge. The thing is waterlogged and sad looking and just trying its best to survive. It makes me want to just reach into the photo and grab the possum and dry him off and find him a safe place and tell him everything is going to be alright. And, let’s be honest, an opossum is not the most cuddly of animals and he’d probably bite the heck out of me if I tried. It makes me so sad and yet like a moth to flame I kept looking at it.
Same thing happened with Irma. Someone got a photo of two parrots of some type huddling outside their window in a hotel. The birds are just looking in like they hope he’ll open the window and let them in. Then, I can’t stop thinking about those birds and how they got there and if they survived. And I also kept looking for the picture.
The worst/best was today when I came across a video from a farmer in Texas going back to his flooded farm after Harvey. I guess the water came up so fast and he didn’t have anything he could use to evacuate his animals so he did what he could to get them to the highest ground he could find. I think he was expecting the worst but as he’s walking up his still flooded driveway, he sees a pig and he starts crying and calling to the pig who comes up the driveway and into the water to greet him.
There were three horses and a goat and a donkey with some leg injuries. There were also several animals that didn’t make it. He didn’t keep the camera on them for long but you could see them. All the time, he’s crying and apologizing for not being able to help them and it is heartbreaking and uplifting all at the same time. He tells himself to “man up” a few times because he can’t keep from crying. There was a comment from someone who said “I’m a hard man but it was hard to keep from crying when watching.”. The second part is certainly true. It makes me so sad in parts but I can’t stop myself from watching. Like I need more fuel for my emotional fire.
Anyway, if you want to watch, you can find it on his site with the link below. I don’t want to link to the actual video but he only has a few on there and you’ll figure out which is the one to watch.
OK, now I’m going to pull myself together and go to my last lesson before Showcase. Pretty sure I’m going to stay through party. If there ever was a night I needed to do something fun and uplifting, it is tonight.