“Is this really still worth doing?” This a question from someone on my team. She was working on an improvement some analysis she does on a monthly basis. She’s quiet and very much a deep feeler like me. We all know change is coming but we don’t know how deep and severe the cuts will be. The normal business mantra is “stay focused” but this illustrates just how hard that can be. I told her it was still worth doing because as long as I was around, it was of use to me.
There’s a lot of gallows humor that happens at a time like this and, for awhile, I was in on it as well. I might get back to it but I’m still in my downswing where I just feel like a zombie going through the motions. I just hurt for the people who are going to be impacted.
Since my own status is still uncertain, I decided to clean out a lot of my files. Having gone through this a few times, I’ve had to clean out an area left behind by a person who was terminated and I don’t want anyone to have to do that for me. Everything I kept was just copies of things that I really didn’t need but I kept them just as a reminder of what I’ve done. Well, let me just say this – I kept them because I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and this was the record of that. But every story has an end and so it was time to let go of the past. (Almost, there were still a few things I just wasn’t ready to get rid of).
I’m not going too far down this path again since I wanted to talk about dancing but I wanted to set the stage because I’m going to attempt to link some things together. We were working on our open routines last night and we didn’t quite get them all the way finished. And I got caught in the perfectionist grip again. The Tango was feeling a little off and not sharp and crisp as I would like it and I just kept saying to myself that I’m never going to be able to do better than this. So the whole “you’ve peaked and should stop trying” thing was dancing around my head.
Which then lead to a whole bunch of self-defeating talk. I believe I walked off the floor and said “we’re doomed” in reference to the upcoming Showcase. You know, I really don’t know what I’m all freaked out about. That I’ll look like a bad dancer in front of a group of people I really don’t know? How silly is that?
We finished with Swing and my legs have felt like lead the last couple of days and my feet were hurting and I just didn’t feel like I had a lot of energy. So the Swing was just feeling off. But as I’m walking off after the lesson and after I offer the “we’re doomed” comment, there was another student (my designated Cha Cha partner) and she’s been watching and tells me that it’s looking hot. Since I was not in a mood to accept compliments, I came back with “you’re just saying that”. Which isn’t the right thing to do because when you don’t accept a compliment, you are kind of throwing back on the person.
It comes back to this again – why do other people see things in me that I can’t feel or see in myself. Worse than that, I can’t even believe that about myself at times.
I’m sure there are multiple reasons for this and what I’m about to say may just be totally off base but I’m going there anyway because it has been awhile since I’ve been this self-sabotaging. And that’s what those negative comments do, by the way. See, I logically know that but I still can’t stop myself at times.
I got to party after the group class and I was sitting out more dances than I usually do. In part that was because of leaden legs and aching feet. It was also in part because I just wasn’t feeling the whole party thing.
Why? Well, I seriously think I was feeling guilty. I mean there are a whole lot of people at work who are going to have their lives upended in a couple of months. It is going to include people I know. It is going to include people I call friends. So, is it right to be having fun right now?? And, if I run myself down, that guarantees that I’ll always be miserable and that dancing will not be any fun at all.
I put that out there and it sounds silly. It is really letting what is happening at work have too much influence over my life. I know I can’t turn off the feelings and emotions. But I also can’t turn them loose and let them stampede over the rest of my life which I may have been doing without even knowing it. It seriously does no one any good for me to be miserable just because of what is coming down the road.
At this point, I’ve got one more week of lessons. Just three more to go before we hit the road for Showcase. It is long past time for me to do what Kid T asked which is to learn how to have fun. So I’ll have to make next week count.
Oh, and I was dancing with Tex’s wife at party. He was out of town so she was a free agent. At the end, she asked if I was going to the Showcase (of course they are). And I said I was and she said “good, because you are so much fun to dance with”. So people like watching me dance and like dancing with me. I’ll just have to keep drumming that into my head.