So at the end of another frustrating lesson, Kid T tries to get inside my head to figure out why I’m getting so frustrated about the new things she’s added to the Waltz and the Fox Trot. Here’s a little secret, they aren’t new but its been a bit since I’ve done them. They are new to us since the last time I did them was when Z was teaching.
Other than my standard perfectionism and outrageously high expectations, I didn’t have much else to say. Then I came home and a few things clicked.
Part of it is that it is not that I don’t know what she wants me to do, it is that I don’t know how to make my body do what she wants me to do. Case in point, we have one of these rotating twinkles and I only got about 2/3rds of where I needed to be and she says to me “remember it needs to rotate more”. I hear that I want to scream. I know it needs to rotate more. I’m trying to make it rotate more. I can’t make it rotate more right now. If you can’t help me with that, then you aren’t really helping at all.
But it isn’t really fair to get mad at her for my own short comings. It is just that the correction after my failure is just a little more stinging when I was trying to do what she wanted and just failed to execute. Over and over and over again. It reduces dances that are supposed to flow to choppy things where I flop around trying to make up for the fact that I can’t get the alignments right.
And then there is a deeper frustration. I took time to get off the medalist track because I thought I need to get my technique to a better place. And I still can’t consistently do what they want me to do. I felt my frame waver in the Fox Trot pivot. Stuff like that just pisses me off even more and sends the frustration needle way into the red.
Suppose this the best I can ever be. Maybe I have hit a plateau. But, I’m actually a bit scared that I’m going backwards. Without clear signs of progress, I just feel like I’m wandering around a desert (maybe dancing around), just slowly dying of thirst with no hope of finding the way out.
And how does one communicate that to an instructor? I suppose I can come up with some less dramatic bullet points to get across my main issues. Then, I guess we just keep slogging ahead and hope that somehow I figure something out.
Oh, and she asked OwnerGuy for a minute of his time to show me the Fox Trot step and of course, he made it seem like it was just the biggest imposition of his life. I know he was on a lesson but I’ve seen him come off lessons when Z needs his help. And, naturally, he had a little trick for the step (which might have worked if he could have explained it better but we had to abandon it because I couldn’t figure out what he did)
This is just another symptom of me feeling like the plant in the corner that isn’t getting any light, water or attention and is just withering away while all the other plants are just growing like crazy.
At this point, I’m glad it worked out that our vacation week coincides with the Big Dance Event so I have the perfect reason for not going. I wasn’t going anyway but now I can give them something they can’t say anything about.