According to WordPress, this is the fourth anniversary of when I registered. Gee, when I started this blog, I was getting ready for my first Big Dance Event and I had a lot of nerves and emotions to let out. I had all of these crises of confidence and was full of self doubt and …
So, some things don’t really change all that much, I guess.
I have mostly enjoyed turning my life into a reality show that you can read one episode at a time. It has been nice to find like minded people and realize that some of the things I’m feeling aren’t unusual. I’ve always had troubles (and still do) really opening up to people so this gives me an outlet to say things that I could never say to person sitting across from me. And it has given me a way to help sort through thoughts and writing as therapy can be very helpful. I guess I like doing this or I would have walked away as several of the blogs in the village have.
But, I’ll have to admit that there is a dark side to this. I have an incredible need for validation. Could probably explore that but I’m sure its wrapped up in the personality along with the bit of inferiority complex and imposter syndrome that I kind of deal with. For me, the first “like” was an uplifting experience. Hey, I put something out there in the world and some random person liked it!! Then, as my meager audience started to grow, I got caught up in that. I started tracking visits and got excited as the pattern showed growth. I’d get new followers and that was always cool because some other random person read something and decided they wanted more. You like me!! That felt good. Not going to lie. But the numbers peaked and started to decline and I went into a panic over that. Why are people tuning out? What have I done wrong? I’d do a post and, this is no joke, check the phone 20-30 minutes after to see if there were new likes. First thing I’d do the morning after a post is see how much attention it got. Yeah, I’m still checking the numbers more than I need to but I’m trying to get away from that.
It’s ironic that it is my blogoversary since the upcoming Big Dance Event played a part in both of my lessons this week. Yesterday, as we were working on the Country Waltz, Kid T starts in on how I should pick up a couple of more dances and then do them at the Big Dance Event. I said no way. That event is only two months away and I’m not going to try and get a crash course in new dances and try to perform them on the big stage. Then she says that it doesn’t have to perfect and it could just be some basic steps. And I’m thinking, then what would be the point. You don’t get any useful feedback from this. You just get a plaque with some brightly colored metal buttons. Do I really need the added stress? Also, I’ve got a little bit of pride going on. If I do this, I’d want it to be something I’m happy to show off and just stumbling through some basic steps wouldn’t cut it.
Today, OwnerGuy applies a bit more extra pressure. He’s had his conversation with Kid T and he tells me that Tex is already on board so since there will already be some country dancing, why shouldn’t I join the party. That’s not really a convincing argument but then he brings up me not feeling ready and tries to convince me that it is more important to get on the floor and that he can help me get ready and that I should think about it. Kind of want to tell him that he’s making promises that he can’t keep.
Look, I’d have fun at parts of the Big Dance Event. Getting a chance to put on the dance clothes and being on the floor is always a good thing. But, I’ve not had a successful event with my open routines and she’s changing my closed routines so there would be a lot to work on in the next two months to feel comfortable. Yes, I know I’m never going to be completely comfortable but I don’t want to feel totally unprepared.
Oh, and there is something else. Last year, I ended up joking with another lady about us being “support staff”. In other words, the dancers they just brought to lower the cost for the serious competitive dancers. Kind of like the opening act at a concert that nobody really wants to see but they need to fill out the bill so it looks like you are getting your money worth.
See, OwnerGuy let it slip that he’d like to do dinner at some fancy place but he needs a party of 9 to make a reservation. There are 6 confirmed and 2 more probable. Which means he needs me so that Kid T and I can make 10. (Don’t think he can justify taking Kid T if I don’t get so we are a package deal) And he made the comment again about it bringing the price down. So, you only want me to go so we have the numbers to make this fancy dinner?? I’m sure that’s not it but it kind of feels that way.
I watch how they treat the three serious competitive students. His one student is different because that’s all she wants to do so she never comes to group class or parties. (Which is somehow OK but I skip out on a party and I get the guilt trip from him and Kid T) But, what I see them doing with Tex and his wife is going a bit beyond the steps to teach them the little things that make you stand out at a competition. I’m not really getting any of that. So it feels like I’m only being trained for Showcases which is fine but then why would I spend all that extra money to do a Big Dance Event when I’m really just there to take up space. Kind of like a horse that has no shot but gets put in a big race just to fill a post slot. Thought there was some kind of name for that but maybe I’m just making it up. Who knows?
I guess I should say this differently. What I hate is when I feel like they just want to take my money and they don’t care if I get any better or not as long as I keep showing up and paying. That’s not quite right but it is kind of how I feel at times. If he really isn’t committed to me and just sees me as a source of income and not a dancer to be developed, then why should I spend money for a big dance event just to bring down the costs for the serious dancers. Going just to fill out a table at a fancy restaurant isn’t a strong enough incentive.
Yeah, it probably isn’t that bad. Allow me a little over-dramatization. It is my anniversary after all!
I’m just trying to sort the feelings out and figure out what is the “right” decision for the Big Dance Event. I know I’d have fun but would I really have enough fun to justify the cost. And would I walk away energized or hollow and deflated. Right now, skipping the event really feels like the right thing to do. I guess I need to have that difficult conversation sooner rather than later.
Well, that’s all for now. I’m going to work on not obsessively checking my phone to see if anyone has “liked” this post.