Going to slightly continue the rant from yesterday as there is more to be said. Introduced one concept that brings me down which is the lack of confidence. Coupled with that is the perfectionism I stumble into from time to time. It is not a real big issue for me in most parts of my live but it becomes one in dancing.
Imagine being someone who strives for perfection but doesn’t believe they have the ability to be average. Yikes, no wonder I’m get so messed up at times.
I’ve talked before about my reasons for dancing which aren’t tangible and aren’t really goal related. I just want to dance because it can take me to a magical land with rainbows and unicorns and glitter … No, that’s not really it but it can sound that way when I start trying to capture the feelings that dance can evoke when you are doing a routine and hitting on all cylinders.
There is something else that comes into play which I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before and it will probably sound a little weirder. I sometimes get more out of the feedback I get during an event than from the judges. At a big dance event, that is most certainly true since all I get are placements and I can second guess those with the best of them. But when someone comes up and offers an unsolicited comment, then it is truly validation which I can need a lot of. There is something more though because those comments mean the our dancing touched that person in some way. It is super hard to explain why that feels so important to me so just accept that it is.
And, somehow, something about all that can get a little twisted and I become the tortured artist seeking perfection. Like a writer who starts a hundred books but never finishes them because none of them are good enough. Well that’s not a perfect analogy because I will finish these dances and do them at Showcase but the angst of getting there is the problem. I must do it better and more beautiful and throw more emotion into it because I’m an artiste and I must do my best work. Anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
Of course, perfection is never achievable. Logically, I know this as I write it. But, when I’m on a lesson and stumbling through something, the logic can go right out the window and you get full on emotional storm.
Those are my twin demons and they are a bitch to deal at times.
So let me end this on a happier note.
Last night during group class, there was a couple taking a private lesson. I’m 99% sure they were prepping for a father/daughter dance at her upcoming wedding. Dad was having some problems but I give him credit for staying with it. I absolutely love watching couples like that. Not because of the dancing but because I can share in their joy for a short period of time.
My focus was divided between group class and watching them dance. I guess it must have been obvious that I was watching because when they did their last run through, NewestGirl told them they were being watched. And, as they were walking off the floor, the Dad turns to me and says something like maybe I could stand in and dance with her. (I guess he was watching us during group class). I told him no and that he was doing just fine.