On the Sidelines or in the Game

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Hilde left me a message on Friday asking if I wanted to go dancing at Studio B.  To be honest, I was hoping she wouldn’t ask because I didn’t feel like going.  So I managed to make up a quick excuse because the truth is much harder to explain.  After all, who could say no to a night of dancing.  But I had to trust my first instinct on this which was that I needed a break.

There are just times when staying home feels like the right thing to do.  There is something safe about the feeling of closing out the world and just finding things to do by myself.  But this can also be a trap.  When you can live inside your mind, it is easy to just find a good book or some other distraction that allows you to escape the real world and get into a fantasy place.  Sometimes, that fantasy world is better than the real world and then you go from taking a needed break to hiding out which is probably something easier for introverts to do.

I’ve read many, many things about my Myers-Briggs type and the one thing that keeps repeating is the need to get out in the world and engage.  Not to bore you with too much personality stuff (especially if you aren’t a believer) but if you buy into cognitive functions, my secondary one is extraverted intuition which I can simplify as the ability to view the world and make a whole bunch of seemingly random connections that actually make sense.  May not have that exactly right but my mind does jump around a lot and sometimes really creative stuff comes out.  But, if you shut yourself off from all external stuff, then you limit your ability to have new experiences and it stifles your growth.  All of this rings true to me but I also know that going out into the world when your internal battery is nearly dead is also not a recipe for success.  In all things, it is trying to strike the right balance.

There is something else that is driving me to want to escape as well and that is work.  The mood is not the best.  Everyone suspects something is up and we are all just waiting for the ax to fall.  Since I work for a big corporation, nothing can be done quickly and so we keep getting communication from upper management telling us that much is still to be decided and that we just need to stay focused.  The rational part of me fully gets that a company needs to make money to stay in business and when things change, a company sometimes has to make unpleasant decisions.  I also get that when you choose to work for a big company, you do surrender some control over your future as decisions tend to be made multiple levels above you by people who only know you as a name on a org chart.  But the feeling part of me (which is stronger) doesn’t like seeing people I care about in a perpetual state of worry and concern about the future.

One problem for me is that one of my guilty pleasures is what are classified as young adult novels.  They are somewhat formulaic with a female protagonist who generally lives in an unpleasant setting and faces many problems.  Then, they get a chance to rise above and become something of a reluctant hero.  Its a formula but it can still be entertaining.  However, the last couple I’ve read just have long stretches where the lead character is trapped in some really unpleasant situation and it just mirrors how I currently feel about work which makes it much less of an escape.

Which is another reason that dance is important to me because it offers another way to escape.  But, sometimes, dance is not a positive experience.  Right now, with all the uncertainty at work, having a lesson go bad can really send me reeling which is why you got the last post and this one.  It is also why I can seek to hide out and try to shut everything out.  Even though that does not solve anything.

So, I’ve used this and the last post to sort some stuff out.  Kind of have to do that from time to time.

Let’s leave this with some 80’s synth pop.  Kind of dismissed this guy back in the day but, in retrospect, he did some of the most upbeat and optimistic stuff.  Enjoy!

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