Failure to Launch

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I had something hit me across the eyes today.  Well, maybe not really that hard but I’m sitting here realizing that I’ve got a lesson at Studio B tonight and I’m not all that thrilled about it.  There are a host of reasons.  Some relate to my inability to connect with anyone at the studio leaving me to feel like an outsider.  Some relate to the upcoming Showcase where I can certainly perform what we are working on but the social part of it sets up to be awkward because I won’t have anyone really coming to watch me.  Just hits again at that whole outsider thing.

But, there is another layer that I’ve just been struggling to talk about.  When I read many of your posts, there always seems to be a lot devoted to your various instructors which makes sense because it is a team activity and they play a major part in how we develop.  Its a little more than that though because, by and large, the relationships appear to be very positive.  I wouldn’t say it is a universal truth but what really does come through is how much you enjoy working with your various instructors and I’m going to cop to being a little jealous of that.

That isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy working with Mindy but I would not put it at the same level that many of the rest of you seem to express.  I also know I’m hardly the easiest person in the world to get to know and it takes me a long freaking time to really feel comfortable with someone.  Then again, we’ve been doing this for over a year so shouldn’t there be something now?  I’m not even sure what I’m looking for but I know that I don’t like feeling guarded and a little closed off around her and that’s basically how I feel.  Why?  Oh, there are probably any number of reasons I could come up with but I’ll just go with the generic dynamic of the relationship.

This isn’t entirely fair but I’ll try for a story.  Ever have that aunt who lived in the perfect house where things were always in their place.  Where there were covers over the arms of the chairs and you couldn’t knock them off without getting into trouble?  Where you kind of had to sit quietly because you really couldn’t touch or play with anything?  You might even really like that aunt but I think you couldn’t wait to get out of her house and back into the world where it was OK to be yourself again.  Yeah, that’s not entirely it but it captures the gist of it.

Maybe it is because I feel pressure that shouldn’t be there.  Maybe it is because it exposes some of my doubts about myself (like I need help with that).  It is just so different and so much more focused than the Famous Franchise that it just highlights more and more what I don’t know.  And you know how easily I can put unrealistic expectations on myself in the face of an instructor.  I know I have a lot to learn but I do carry some pride in what I’ve done and I don’t want to be perceived as a second rate dancer.  So, every time I screw up or have to be reminded of something for what seems like the hundredth time, it just pulls at those little strings.  And, if you can dance without fear of making a mistake, then you really aren’t going to have to fun dancing.

I know a lot of this is in my head but a lot of it is the vibe I get from the studio.  At the Famous Franchise, the Showcase solos are a mix of dancing and entertainment.  You can forgive some bobbles in the technique if there is a good story and it is fun.  Here, it was all about the dancing and the technique.  These weren’t routines designed for fun.  There were designed to show off serious dancing from people with serious goals.  More and more, it makes me wonder what I’m doing there since I don’t know how serious I am and I don’t have many real goals.

I started this for a couple of reasons and they were good reasons.  I was at a place in my dancing where I needed to mix it up a bit and see what was outside the confines of the Famous Franchise.  But, after a year, it is still a struggle to feel like that studio is “home”.  I don’t know what I was expecting but things have fallen a bit short.  It does make me wonder what is the right path for the future.

Or, this could all be a reaction to the cloudiness and rain that we’ve had and the cough that has now lingered for 10 days with no real sign of a let up.  Guess we’ll see how tonight goes.

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