Crisis of Confidence

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At the end of April, there is a Big Dance Event.  It happens to be just north of the border but very far from here so it would take a bit to get there.  When it was first announced, I could actually picture myself going but, as it gets closer, all the doubts are rising up and smacking me around.  Kid T was asking about what we wanted to do at the Big Dance Event and I let on that I wasn’t even sure I could commit to going.  Naturally, she wanted to know why and I couldn’t really come up with anything.  Well I couldn’t come up with the truth.

In another one of those karma like moments, there is another blog I get stuff from that had a post called “believe and act as if it were impossible to fail”.  I’d link to them but since I’m eventually going to rip into that post just a bit, I’d rather not.  Well not really rip into it so much as just riff on it a bit.  The central point of the post was like the quote which is that the mind is very powerful and that believing in yourself is the key to all good things.

So what’s my real problem?  I don’t feel like I belong on the big stage.  Now, I’m not going to go all “I suck” on you because that’s just not the truth.  I’m good for my level but my level is Showcase and that is AAA ball.  Doing one of these dance events is the majors.  Now every good minor league player can have good days in the majors and I know I can do a few things that might impress a few people.  I mean I did get a first in my Mambo heat at the last Big Dance Event.  But the sum total of what I’m capable of wouldn’t measure up.

It is one thing to drive a few hours to a Big Dance Event.  It is quite another to add in the cost of an airline ticket to the already outrageous cost of one of these things.  And, do I really want to spend the money to do two of these events in one year?  What would that prove?  I know I go to mostly have fun but there are a heck of a lot cheaper options if all you want is fun.

And what has dragged me to these levels?  I look at OwnerGuy and Z with the students they plan to take and the level of preparation is far greater than what I’m getting.  I’m watching OwnerGuy and he’s breaking down how to stand and arms and styling and I’m still focused more on learning the footwork.  I’m being trained for Showcase level stuff not for true competitions and that also makes it hard to justify.

We did a lot of joking about “support staff” at the last Big Dance Event and it was all in good fun but I don’t want to be the guy who just comes along to make it cheaper for everyone else.  You know, the serious dancers who actually have a chance.  Yeah, that’s a bit of ego talking but I don’t want to go just to be entourage.  And I know that I’m not as serious about competitions as the others but I also want to feel like I’m truly being prepared and right now I don’t.

The bad thing is that Kid T is all super excited about going.  She’s young and hasn’t traveled much so the opportunity to actually leave the US is appealing to her.  Now, the worst reason for spending all that money and going would be so I wouldn’t feel guilty about denying her the chance.  But that thought has crossed my mind as much as I try to get it to leave.

I know that post I linked to is correct.  It is one of those things that I logically know but my problem it is like some of the dance instructions I get which tell me what to do but not how to do it.  Yeah, it would be great if I could wave a magic wand and suddenly make myself believe that I belong there.  Haven’t yet found that wand though so just telling me how great it would be to do that isn’t helpful.  Because now I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and then I beat myself up even more for being hard on myself which defeats the whole purpose.

OK, enough about that.  Off to a lesson and then party at the studio.  Maybe the Big Dance Event will come up , maybe it won’t.

Just for fun, here’s a movie clip that instantly jumped to mind when I started this post.  Not entirely the same thing but close.  (Yes, I can link almost anything to a movie or a song.  It’s a gift.  Not an especially useful gift but a gift none the less.)

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