Funny thing happened when I got to the studio. When I left the house, I had every intention of attending the group class and party after my private lesson. For some reason, when I got there, I only checked myself off for the private lesson. Foreshadowing? Yes, we have a sign in sheet at the studio – not sure why but we do. I think that set the tone for the evening.
So, yes, it is another day in the grips of a down mood.
We went back to work on the open Mambo routine. Did you watch the original Star Trek? Have you seen the episode “Spock’s Brain”. Short plot synopsis. Some group of aliens takes Spock’s brain to replace the brain that is currently failing in their controller. These aliens are not smart so they need a controller to run their life. In an absurd plot twist, Spock can survive for 24 hours without a brain and they rig up some kind of contraption so his body can move while they go off in search of the people who took the brain. They find the aliens but they’ve lost the knowledge they gained and can’t help restore Spock. McCoy ends up getting a session with the controller and he gains the knowledge to reattach Spock’s brain. Part way through the operation, the knowledge starts to fade and he reverts back to normal McCoy where he starts in by saying he can’t do this and that it is impossible to reattach a brain. Of course, they solve the problem but that’s not the point.
Alright, that wasn’t a short synopsis but there was a reason for starting there. When the coach was working with me on the Mambo, he made certain things just flow and so I was like McCoy with the knowledge. Well, now, we are back after a couple of weeks and I’m back to normal and even though I wrote some things down, the knowledge of how to do the moves seemed to have left. Which just set me up for frustration and the fun part where I become my own harshest critic and always find something to pick at no matter how well it went.
And, then that spiraled out of control because I started thinking about all the things I wasn’t doing. Was my posture OK? Was I doing the proper amount of forward poise. Why wasn’t my connection to Kid T stronger? Were my arms in the right place for certain moves? What was I supposed to do with my free arm? And so on. All of the insecurities just bubbled up and boiled over.
I can think of lots of reasons why this is happening. In no particular order:
- Post Christmas downer. I’ve mentioned before that I love Christmas and how the lights just make everything look so special. Today was a cold and snowy day which is just the type of day to bring out my “I hate Winter side” and coming so soon after all the Christmas stuff came down, it leaves me vulnerable to slipping into a sad place.
- Getting back to work. I had close to two weeks off with minimal human contact. It was great. I wasn’t the boss. I didn’t have 800 emails to go through and several reports to review and people asking for me help within the 800 emails. And all the noise, noise, noise (channeling the Grinch for a bit). Just a little frayed at the edges which also brings some of the emotions close to the surface.
- My Studio B experience. I know this is still a distorted picture because I’m not as bad as I think I am. But, until I can really process and accept that, it still feels like I’ve spent all my time at the Famous Franchise spinning my wheels. So, that probably explains the hyper focus on technique.
There’s more for sure but these are the things off the top of my head. Kid T brought up the Team Match again and I do hate it that they just assume I’m going. So I was a little non-committal and opened up the possibility that I wouldn’t do it. I did tell her that I really didn’t understand the point. It is kind of hard for me to justify spending the money and taking the time for something that just seems more like forced fun to me.
She also brought up the next Big Dance Event at the end of April. I’ve expressed interest but I’m in my wavering mode. Well, I’m really in my lack of confidence mode which is why go to an event to have my ego destroyed. I have to get a clearer picture on who else is going because if we don’t have a squad, then there it just won’t be fun and I won’t be able to justify the cost.
Like I said yesterday, I’m just at a point where my mind is wondering if I’m really more a part of the studio’s past and not really a part of their future. Just stuff I have to work out.
But what I can do to end this post is to give you the perfect song for how I’m feeling right now. How do I know this is the perfect song? Because it just popped into my head on the way home. I haven’t heard this one in years but somehow my mind linked to it.