Technically, it isn’t exactly the same since we added a new piece tonight but tonight’s lesson was a continuation of the last lesson of 2016. Working on finishing the open waltz and then polishing the rough spots. Or at least starting the process of polishing since it will take a long time to turn this rock into a nice looking gemstone.
I struggle with change. Which sometimes seems strange to me because I don’t like routine and I rarely make plans. I guess it just comes down to when something feels comfortable and familiar, I don’t want anything to change. It is like finally getting into a comfortable chair on a cold night, getting the blanket positioned just right and then having to get up and answer the phone. You can certainly create a new comfortable spot but it just takes time. And, yes, I do use a blanket. Our downstairs is a split level and the room faces north and it gets cold.
The process of establishing a new baseline just takes a lot longer when the studio goes through changes. And ripping out two instructors is a pretty major change. It is just not easy for me to adjust. I know that dance instructors aren’t really friends but you get used to seeing them and talking with them and dancing with them and then, quite suddenly, they just aren’t there. It changes the whole vibe of the place and you know how big I am on my vibes.
One thing that always comes out when someone leaves is I start thinking about how long I’ve been doing this. Is it really rational and sane to have outlasted as many instructors as I have? It always sets up the little ricochet in my head that maybe I’ve outlived my usefulness. Maybe I should be consigned to the past like the instructors to live on in the memories of the other students until they leave and eventually nobody will remember me. Also, the change just sometimes makes me start feeling like this is no longer really home for me. I’m not going to wallow too much into this but it is what I’m feeling and you get to ride along as I express all the things I could never say to an actual person.
So, I left after my lesson and skipped group class. There were other reasons. I had some bills to pay and I made a promise (not quite a resolution) to try not to let them pile up. I always pay on time but when I get a bunch in a row to pay it kind of brings me down. Also, the studio was guy heavy. It was me, two other guys and Tex and his wife. With Kid T, Vanna and NewestGirl, we would just barely be balanced and that was assuming that both of them would have joined. But mostly I left because I just started to feel out of place and I wanted some more time just to be away from the studio to sort things out.
The lesson itself wasn’t bad. At least I can try to convince myself of that. I’m still struggling with parts. (Yeah, and you’ve only had two freaking lessons – you expect perfection??) But of course because that’s what I do. I know it needs to stop because it is not productive but the struggle is real and it continues. I don’t really know why this is so important to me but it just is. It is the constant battle between desperately wanting to get better and then getting frustrated and disappointed when things don’t come easily or when I realize just how much more I have to learn. It is just far too easy for me to see the rocky path ahead and not to look back at how much I’ve already accomplished.
Yep, that’s certainly some truth right there.
They finally posted some information on the upcoming “team match”. I’ve never done one of these before and, frankly, I’m struggling to see the point. The cost is much less than a Showcase so I don’t know if the studios really get anything from it. Its a competition but not really a competition since you are supposed to wear your team colors and jump and shout and scream and do other silly things. But there will also be a “winner” so do you take it seriously or just take it as a joke.
As I said, I’ve never been to one but it feels like forced fun. They sell it as a day of dancing which is great but then you throw in the colors and the silliness and it feels more like something a bunch of extroverts would enjoy. If you don’t have a lively group of people (and we really don’t), then it just seems like it would be instructors yelling and screaming and trying to get people to have a good time.
Z had already signed up four of her male students in the Silver category. Do I really want to clutter what will already be a crowded floor? And the competition thing scares me as well. Would I be expected to win since I’ve been doing this the longest? But what if I don’t? Do I really need that extra pressure since I know I would put it on myself. If I’m going to go, I’m going to be serious about the dancing and only get slightly in to the silliness. Sorry, dancing is too important to me to take lightly. Again, I’m just left wondering what the freaking point is? As it stands now, I’m planning on skipping. I do have a built in excuse. We are leaving for vacation that next weekend so I can always argue that I can’t waste a Saturday when I have things to get taken care of. As always, the real truth would be much more complex but I can sell the partial truth.