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Before we get the main body of the post, I was looking at the little scheduling app the Famous Franchise uses.  I don’t normally look at it because I’ve got standing lessons at certain times and they always send reminders.  Technically, Kid T could be transcribing lesson notes so I could view them from home but she’s not really in to that.  And, to be honest, I probably wouldn’t use it that much.

But I’m looking out at next Wednesday and my standing with Sunny is gone.  Checked the next Wednesday and it is also gone.  So this is how it ends.  You simply get wiped off the calendar.  I suppose I should just come clean tonight but part of me just wants to wait to see how long this game gets played out and who finally decides to talk with me.  Just another example of how instructors becomes unpeople quickly when they leave the Famous Franchise abruptly.

Now let’s get to the title of tonight’s post.  I know that I can be “difficult”.  I’ve got all these internal high standards that I can never meet and when I can’t do something, it just triggers all kinds of bad thoughts and feelings.  But I also don’t process large volumes of information very well.  And, I’ve noticed that when I get hit with a lot of stuff, I tend to just withdraw into my head to try and sort it all out.

That means that I start overthinking every little thing.  I’m worried about my head, my frame, my timing, where my body is supposed to be, where my feet are supposed to be, how big a step is supposed to be, and on and on and on.  I focus on “x” and then get corrected on “y” and there are times I just want to scream “ONE THING AT A TIME!!!”  But I don’t because I’m using all I’ve got to try and sort out what I’ve been taught.  (And also because I would never really scream)  What it feels like is the spinning blue circle you get when a Windows PC is doing major processing.

I tend to dance by feel and hope I can feel something that I can replicate.  When there is a subtle difference between “right” and “wrong”, it just gets even more frustrating because I think I’m doing something “right” but I get told I’m doing it “wrong”.  And I have no idea what the difference is.

This should give you an idea of how yesterday’s lesson went.  The only positive thing I heard was that my movement is smooth which is supposedly something that would be difficult to teach so at least I may have one small bit of natural ability.  (That’s sarcasm which doesn’t translate well because I know that I’ve got some ability but lessons like last night often leave me feeling like I’m just a total klutz who has no business on the dance floor).

I certainly get that instructors hate to see students frustrated.  After all, it would be logical to think that a happy student buys more lessons while a frustrated student says “I Quit” and storms out.  Z used to use lines like “I thought this is what you wanted” which just made it worse because I already get a little self hate on when I get into those loops and having it called out just adds to that.  Got a little of that last night as well.  And, by then, my brain was totally short circuited and serious conversation was not an option.

Yes, I want to be challenged.  I do this for growth and to test the limits and see how far I can go.  I just don’t deal with it all that well.  Its a bitch being a perfectionist with no self-confidence, let me tell you.  And, yes, I’m sort of attempting to excuse my behavior because I try to control it but it doesn’t always work.

Just would like to say that yes I want to be challenged.  But you have to understand that I’m so full of doubt that when I mess up I’m going to get frustrated.  And it might get ugly.  That’s just all part of the fun and joy of having me as a student!!!  Told you I can be difficult.

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