So I’m thinking that I kind of hit a place where my I just needed to reboot and start over again. I’ve read a lot about introverts/highly sensitive/empaths and I’m sure about the first and not as sure about the other two. Other than to say that I do have certain traits that are consistent with what I’ve read. What I don’t do a good enough job of is recognizing when things have become too much and when I’ve hit a point where I do need to just withdraw and let my batteries recharge.
I’m not wanting to talk about the recent US elections because I hate what politics does to us as people. I ended up voting 3rd party because I couldn’t embrace either of the major party candidates. I know these things trigger strong emotions but I wasn’t ready for the onslaught of fear driven messages that came from people I know and respect. And a lot of it was directed at voters from the other side. I know a lot of those people too and I like and respect them. I just couldn’t reconcile the two. Maybe because I do have good friends on each side and maybe because I believe that most people are inherently good and decent and maybe because I don’t like conflict and division but I just had a hard time processing what I was hearing. Certainly, I have my own sets of concerns but they don’t run to the dark, apocalyptic stuff that was coming from people who are normally quite rational. I’ve heard INFP’s described as healers and there is nothing worse for a healer than to see us tearing each down and people ending friendships over an election.
I swear that there was one day where I could literally see this fog pressing down on me. I could certainly feel it but it was like all the negative emotions took a physical form that looked like fog but was solid. I know that seems a bit weird but it is what it is.
In that context, I was really not in the right frame of mind to take dance lessons. The emotions were just too raw and I was reacting to things there based on what was happening outside dance. Then, when I couldn’t lose myself in dance, it blocked off an avenue of escape and just left all these feelings pressing down on me. Even my disjointed attempts to write really didn’t do anything for me because I wasn’t really talking about the thing that had made the greatest impact.
Anyway, I’ve had a couple of days to unwind and recharge and now I want to take a look at dance from a different angle.
As you know, I have the hardest time seeing the good in myself. I get a momentary high at events like Showcase where there are all these data points telling me that I did a good job and I can sort of internalize them but clearly not in a way that provides a lasting shield against the demons. I might have mentioned this before. If I did, I apologize but the fog is lifting and some of the last couple weeks has just been a blur. But, on one lesson, I got into a mini discussion with Kid T about perfection and I said I would do something but she couldn’t expect it to be perfect. I think she was taken aback and wondered if I really feel like she expects perfection and I said that sometimes I do think that.
This is what I want to approach from a different side. I’ve formed an opinion of myself as a dancer. Yes, I have serious issues with self-confidence but I’ve got enough data points to suggest that I do possess a certain skill level. But, you’ve heard me describe it as the person on Dancing with the Stars who tops out at 8’s and never makes the finals.
But that has put limits on me. So, when I get pushed from Kid T or OwnerGuy or Mindy or Sunny, my first reaction is “hey, I’m never going to be that guy”. Why don’t you save all that for someone who has a chance. I like doing the shows and things because I like dancing and I can entertain people. But I’m not a champion so don’t keep pushing me like I can become one. That path just leads to unmet goals and disappointment.
Well, maybe I’m just wrong about all that. Maybe they all saw something at this last Showcase. Maybe they know I can do more and they push to get me to see that I can do more.
And, maybe I need to let go of the limits I’ve placed in my head and accept that I can do better. I need to figure out how not to put too much pressure on myself and accept that this is a learning curve and I need to let the process work. Still think I need to find a way to get some fun into practices or some way to feel more and think less because all the stuff I said about practice being a grind is still true.
Of course, I’m sure I’ve had these conversations with myself many times in the past and the challenge is finding a way to still believe it when the practices go wrong and I get so far inside my head that I can find a way out. When nothing is coming easy and clicking the way I like it. How then to still feel like I have more to give and they are just trying to find a way to get that out of me.
I don’t know. I’ve got a short week ahead with just a couple of lessons and then some more time to think.
One thing that I do really need to do though is find some way to recenter myself and recognize when I’ve reached a limit. Wish I came with a little battery indicator like my phone.