Do You Feel Like We Do

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We are near the end.  One more lesson at the Famous Franchise tonight and then a chance to do all three routines at the practice party.  Tomorrow, one last lesson at Studio B and then one dress rehearsal in the evening.

How do I feel?  The closest I can come is resigned indifference.  These are going to happen and I’m going to go and do my numbers and life will go on.  I’m hoping that I need the rush of actually being on the floor to trigger something but, right now, I’ve got nothing.  Guess you could say my give a damn’s busted.  I’m reaching for the excitement but it just isn’t there.

Probably lots of reasons but it is a little sad.  Dance has been my fantasy.  Dance has been my escape.  It hasn’t felt that way lately.  Had a great lesson with Kid T yesterday.  We went through all the closed routines (Waltz, Fox Trot, Tango, Viennese Waltz, Cha-Cha, Rumba, Swing, Bolero, Mambo, Peabody and West Coast Swing).  And we did the two routines and did both to music.  And it was all good.  But it just didn’t light anything within me.

The lesson with Sunny was OK.  The Argentine Tango was OK.  The Quickstep was OK.  There’s a part at the end that I stumbled with but I can make it work.  But I’m having a hard time really getting into the routine.

I actually had a great time at the Big Dance Event back in August.  At that point, I thought I was back on track.  But OwnerGuy has mostly been MIA and dealing with his own students.  I may still get a Mambo routine but we are coming up towards the end of the year and I’m still short a Bolero despite what OwnerGuy promised early last year.

The biggest problem is Sunny.  I don’t know why but I tend to get irritated and crabby on our lessons.  Something she says or does just hits me wrong and I react poorly.  She mentioned expanding on the Argentine Tango after Showcase and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I haven’t decided whether I want to continue.  Actually, that’s a lie, I haven’t decided how I’m going to get myself out of this situation.

There’s a part of me that does want to give her more time.  I mean when I first started with Kid T, it felt weird and alien and we’ve had to grow into each other.  Now, it feels a whole lot better and maybe, with time, the same thing would be true with Sunny.  It is hard to accurately describe the feeling but it just feels like she’s all tensed up every time we start dancing.  The movement isn’t free and flowing like it should be.  It isn’t as bad as some of the ladies in group class but it isn’t good either.

Then we started talking about goals at the end of the lesson.  I know I should probably be more goal oriented but I’m just not.  Besides, as I’ve discussed on many occasions, goals need to be tangible and measurable and that doesn’t always translate to dancing.  I could set something silly like not falling down but what good would that do.  I don’t remember her exact words because I had been there for over two hours and I was a little tired but it was something about wanting this to be a great Quickstep.  See, that’s a problem.  What does great mean? How is that measurable.  She might not have used that exact word but it was the vibe she was pushing.   But, the other problem is that you don’t tell a perfectionist that you want something to be great.  You don’t want me to put any more pressure on myself trying to be great.

What is my goal for this event?  To dance and have fun.  I will do my best to try and remember posture and frame and all that stuff but I’m sure I’ll slip because I’m not perfect.  If I was honest, I would have told her that I only did the Quickstep to get to three solos in one event because that gets me a nice little plaque.  Well, that’s not really all.  I did the Quickstep because I did actually enjoy doing it back in May and wanted to see how it progressed.  But I’m learning that while Quickstep is fun, it really isn’t my dance.  I struggle too much with frame to pull it off.

And I only did Argentine Tango because she promised some cool steps.  Don’t get me wrong because they are but then it comes down to that whole “how does the dance feel?” thing which is where the problem lies.

Well, we’ll just see how this whole weekend shakes out and take it from there.  If you’ve got excitement to share, send some my way.



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