Want to talk about a dream I had the other night. My normal pattern is to wake up as a dream hits an important point and then I always have that “was that real” moment? Most dreams fade relatively quickly but some leave echos that keep coming back and this was one of those.
It was a little strange because it was work related. I was bring pressured to accept a short term overseas assignment but it would mean leaving everything behind. And the pressure was intense. I could feel how much I didn’t want to do this but how I felt trapped into agreeing to it. I was getting close to actually signing the paper and then I just realized that I really could leave my wife and dogs for that long. I was about to turn it down when I woke up so I don’t know what the consequences would have been.
Lots of possible interpretations. There is some stress at work about a possible restructuring which plays into this. But the feeling of being trapped and not being able to say no has stayed with me. It is less vivid than it was right after the dream but I can still tap into that feeling and go back to that spot in my dream. I think you know where this is going but I’ll come back to it.
Someday, I’m going to have to do a post about the whole pro-am from a guys perspective. Well, at least from this guy’s perspective because your actual perspective may vary. It can be such a confusing situation because even though you are paying someone to teach you, there is all this necessary physical contact and it can be very emotional. There is trust required on both sides which isn’t always easy.
It is weird because it can take me a long time to warm up to someone and get comfortable with the physical contact. The only time it didn’t happen was with the Body Double. Well, I wouldn’t say it didn’t happen but we clicked relatively quickly so I was able to get over any issues.
At first, I really liked Sunny’s enthusiasm but there has always been something that has felt “off”. No, I can’t tell you any more than that. That’s the bitch of living my life. I get these very strong signals that something is “right” or “wrong” but I can’t possibly tell you why I feel that way or what needs to be done to fix it. Part of it is that I feel like she sometimes speaks to me like I’m six. (Well, maybe I sometimes act like I’m six) But don’t talk down to me because it makes me feel like you are treating me like an idiot and I’m not an idiot.
This may sound weird because I can’t back it up with hard facts but there is something about being in frame that doesn’t feel right. It is like she is tensed up a bit and not really trusting me to lead. I know Kid T and I have worked together longer so there is naturally more comfort there but even dancing with Vanna at parties feels different than dancing with Sunny.
The Quickstep isn’t bad but the Argentine Tango just isn’t much fun. Partly that is because we just added it some we are both focused on trying to learn the steps. Part of it is my evolution. I used to be someone who wanted to learn steps and all the technical stuff. That is still true because I have to be comfortable with where I’m going and what I’m supposed to do. But I also need to feel something about the dance. I’ve said this before but I enjoyed Argentine Tango with the Body Double because it was Argentine Tango with the Body Double. It isn’t just the dance. It is the dance and the partner. I think that is especially true with a dance like Argentine Tango where there is supposed to be emotion and passion. It is hard to channel that when you don’t get anything back from your partner. Then, you are just two people doing steps which is OK but it will never feel like dancing when you are connected and feeling the music and the dance. This is going to sound incredibly cheesy but it is accurate. The dance has to speak to my heart and soul as well as my mind. If not, it is going to be very difficult for me to get into it.
And that’s really where we are with Sunny. Dancing with her right now is just not very fun. It is more of a chore than anything else and that’s not why I dance. In some ways, I feel they’ve thrown her at me because they think I need to work with another instructor and I was OK with it at first but I am not convinced that it is the best thing for me in the long run. See, this is the dream, I feel a little trapped because I don’t quite know how to get out this. Plus, I really don’t want to be mean to Sunny. Hi, I’m dropping you as an instructor because I’m not getting the feels from dancing with you. I don’t even know how I’d go about saying anything. I could say we just don’t click I know OwnerGuy would be all “why not?” and then I’d be all “just because” and that wouldn’t cut it.
If I have to be honest with myself, I get some of the same vibes from Mindy. It is not anything like Sunny but I haven’t been able to get completely comfortable with her just yet. Again, can’t tell you why. It just is what it is. I may change my mind after Showcase but it hasn’t been a lot of fun leading up to Showcase. It has been work. Now, I know that practice is a grind and that may be influencing my thought process. But, even in practice, you can have moments where things click and you can soar above the clouds (described one of those in a earlier post). That just doesn’t happen with Mindy which again could be because the dances are new and I’m still learning.
But, see, there is another problem that I deal with. If something doesn’t really speak to me, then I can have a hard time getting motivated to do it. That’s probably why I haven’t spent as much time practicing those dances as I should have. Of course, that becomes an evil loop. I don’t practice like I need to so I’m always having to relearn which means I rarely have those moments which make a hard practice worthwhile. So I walk away saying ‘that wasn’t a lot of fun’ and the cycle repeats.
As I said, the bitch of this is that I can’t give any advice or feedback on what it would take to connect to the dance and make it fun. I only know when something is missing. I can’t give you clues on what it is or how to find it. Yeah, I can certainly be difficult at times.
Then again, all of this could just be stress over the back to back Showcases. Had a terrible lesson with Kid T tonight. It was supposed to be open routine night and my muscle memory failed me big time. Couldn’t pull up pieces of the Tango or the Fox Trot when I needed to. And then I just get so far inside my head that I start hyper focusing on every small detail and then I find more things that are wrong and we are full into the failure cascade.
At one point, Kid T says to me that she thinks I’m just expecting everything to be perfect and then freaking out because it isn’t. Well, duh. IT HAS TO BE PERFECT. IF IT ISN’T PERFECT BY NOW THEN I MUST SUCK!! Actually, she’s pretty darn perceptive for one so young. We recovered a bit with the Rumba which I actually know and sort of got through the Swing.
I suppose I should do what I’m supposed to do and find one thing that went right and focus on that so here goes. I do a turn in Rumba that bedeviled me when we started. In all the practice runs, I nailed it. So there’s something.
I’m going to conclude my rambling with a pet peeve of mine regarding the Famous Franchise. Well I’m struggling through my routine, there is a couple working with OwnerGuy and Z has a student. Not a problem but Cosmo and Sunny are practicing some routine and Vanna is doing a practice lesson with Newest Girl. I get that they need to do this but I’M PAYING FOR THE FLOOR TIME! I hate having to move around them or worry about where they are on the floor. Look, I’m the customer. Go dance in a corner and stay out of my way. I don’t need the extra aggravation.
OK, I’m out. I’ll leave you with two musical numbers mentioned in this post.