At one point last night towards the end of the lesson when I was messing up a step over and over again, I had to stop and take a moment. Mindy asks what I’m thinking. The honest answer would have been 1000 different things all at once and I really can’t sort them all out. The overwhelming one though is fear of doing this. There is the strange dichotomy that I know it is good to seek out new opportunities and I want to face the challenge but then it can scare the heck of out me. Maybe that isn’t so strange. The simple answer would be to just run and hide but that’s not going to happen.
Well, I could always just confess my fears and talk about it. Umm, yeah, that’s probably not going to happen. I’ve got this whole thing about being vulnerable and exposed in front of people I don’t know that well. It takes a whole lot more than a couple of lessons for me to feel comfortable talking about how I really feel. (Well, on those occasions when I can actually sort out how I really feel from the 10,000 or so emotions banging around inside me at any given moment)
Yes, its a trust thing and I can be very slow to trust people. What is this person going to do with the information I share. Can I truly trust them to be on my side. I do warm up to some people easier than others. Can’t really explain that either but I’ll get a vibe on someone that says it is OK and other times I get a vibe that says not so fast.
I got the schedule of dances today and I hardly recognized anyone on the list which is part of the problem. I haven’t been able to fully work myself into that studio to know people. I’m just this random guy who shows up every once in awhile and doesn’t stay that long. Now, I have to do two dances that I’m not entirely comfortable with in front of an audience that I don’t know. If they are like other dance audiences, they’ll be supportive but I don’t know that.
Again, this is what happens when you don’t have a plan. I’ve just been going along and taking these lessons and working on these dances and hoping they’ll come together. The last couple lessons have been a little more stressful because now this Showcase that was once a vague thing in the mist is just a couple of weeks away. It is all getting way too close and way too real. I’m even entertaining thoughts of how to back out of it. Seriously, I’m thinking of how I could fake an illness and just not show up. And, I’ve already paid for it but I’m actually calculating whether I could just throw that money away. Part of me says I could do it. Its not a significant amount of money so even if I didn’t get it back, it wouldn’t matter.
I’m trying to avoid that stupid bio thing as well but the deadline is fast approaching for that. Why do I have to tell these people about myself? Don’t they know how much I hate crap like that. I flash back to really bad meetings and seminars when they make you stand up and introduce yourself. I never know what to say. My dancing journey is somewhat personal and I’m not entirely sure I want to have it broadcast to a room full of strangers.