Raw Emotions & Thoughts

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I feel like I’ve made a big mistake.  I should have stuck to my guns and not agreed to any Big Dance Event until OwnerGuy came through with all the open routines and we had sufficient time to work on them.  I feel like I made the wrong decision to sign up for the Event and agreeing to do the routine.  I don’t feel ready at all.  I can’t keep my posture where it is supposed to be.  My arm styling is a joke.  I’m going to make a complete fool of myself at this event.  I have no business being on the floor with the other dancers who have way more talent.  Everyone else in the studio has progressed and I’ve regressed.  I was only asked so that OwnerGuy could fill an entire table.  He’d rather focus on those students who have talent so I’m just being brought along as part of the entourage.

OK, anything else?  No, I think that covers it.  I ran out of steam there so that must be most of the stuff.  Now, you may want to know why I did that.  I don’t know.  I think I end up bottling stuff up and then I don’t know who to tell so I figured why not dump the contents of my mind here.  If I tried to talk about these with Kid T or OwnerGuy, they’d just try to tell me I’m wrong and while the negative stuff is still flying around, I’m not in the mood to hear that.  I just want to stay in the “I Suck, Feel Sorry for Me” mode.  Another reason for dumping all that stuff to start with.

Now for some facts.

I’ve done this event twice before.  I know what to expect.  I know what it will be like.  I’m only going to be on the floor for a few heats.  I don’t really know people from other studios so I really have no reason to be concerned with what they may or may not think about my dancing.  I’m not perfect and I should never expect myself to be perfect.  Perfect is not an obtainable goal.  It is a trap that keeps you from acknowledging and accepting the progress and the good that you’ve done.

I dance because I enjoy it.  Remember that??  It makes me feel good.  It is my way to get lost in a piece of music and just live in that moment.  Stressing out about it kills that completely.  This event is not a trip to the dentist.  It is an opportunity to get back on the floor and do something that I truly love to do.

I don’t have to impress anybody or win anything.  That’s not the goal.  That shouldn’t be why I do this.  I do this for me because I love it.  Besides, I know what type of feedback I’ll get from this event and it really tells me very little about my dancing.  I don’t get the “why” behind any placement so all I know is that on that day against that group of dancers and finished is some order.  I don’t know the other dancers so I don’t know if should be better than them or not.

And, despite what I may think, people LIKE what I do.  We got off the floor yesterday after finishing the Viennese Waltz and the newer couple was watching us with huge smiles on their faces.  They both again told me how much they loved watching us dance and how smooth it looked.  Is there opinion invalid because they aren’t judges?  Of course not.  My own opinion of my dancing is flawed because I can’t see myself through other eyes.  I can’t feel anything but my flaws but others see so much more.  That has to mean something.

Yes, Kid T and OwnerGuy are pushing me and it is stressful.  But there is no growth without challenge and I have to believe that they would not be setting me up for failure. What they are asking me to do is stuff I can do but only if I allow myself to believe that I can.  Shutting myself down by saying I can’t will not get me anywhere.

I wish I knew where all this uncertainty and doubt came from.  I hate that it rises up like this and attacks with such force.  It can really be brutal.  But there is also no magic dance fairy that is going to tap me on the shoulder and suddenly give me the confidence I need.  I just have to find a way to send that emotional part of me into time out.  If there is good news, it is as I write this, I find myself wanting to get back into the studio, crank up the music and run through that Viennese Waltz a dozen times.  The bad news is that Kid T is out until next Thursday so it will have to wait.

Then again, if I was all rainbows and lollipops, then I wouldn’t need this blog and you would have been deprived of all my wonderful insights.  (That’s a joke, by the way, my humor came back)

Well I will probably go to Studio B tonight for the next Fox Trot lesson.  Later.


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