I’m starting to believe a little more how interconnected events are. I suppose this shouldn’t come as a great shock but things that happen early in the day can surface later in unexpected ways. I’m going to go with that being the reason why some of the demons came back yesterday. But I did try something that worked pretty well.
First, lets talk about my day. It starts off with a fellow early riser showing up at my office and sitting down because she wants to talk about her experiences with this group of people she’s dealing with. And by talk I mean she wants to complain about several of them. I guess this makes her feel better but I can think of it how negative she sounds and it is just encouragement for me to not be that person.
Now, I can live with a little venting of frustration because people all do stupid things and it can be irritation. I’m sure we’ve all irritated someone else at one point in our lives and they’ve found a friend to complain to about us. No, what set me off was when she started throwing around phrases like “I don’t know how someone can …” Like her way of thinking or doing things was the right and only way to do things. (Kind of reminded me of listening to my Dad rail on about people who don’t have the same political viewpoint he does which is maybe why this was such a trigger) I don’t know any of the people she was talking about but I felt this strong need to defend them. I thought about calling her out on what she was saying but then the “Don’t Judge” light came on. I mean if I got on her for that, then wouldn’t I be as guilty of judging as she was? So I just kind of acted busy reading documents to hope that she’d get the hint that I was busy and cut the conversation short which is what happened.
Part of my job requires me to review and approve reports and we have come to the end of a major project so I have spent the better part of recent days reading and editing reports. It sets up another pain point because I have to decide whether to correct things. A lot of times it is just personal as someone will use the most awkward wording to describe something and I’m torn between making them improve it or just living with it because it isn’t how I would have phrased something. If one of my team writes something incoherent, then I’ll certainly step in and make them change it. The other problem is that these are technical reports with lots of numbers and part of my review is to make sure everything is OK so I match numbers in tables to the text discussion and so on. It is boring and I hate doing it but everyone now thinks I’m such a detail guy that I’m almost expected to find problems. I can use that skill but it isn’t what I want to do so there are days where I’ll just find other things to do so I won’t have to look at the stack of reports on my desk. When the job becomes boring and not a lot of fun, that creates its own layers of stress.
Oh, and we had some heavy storms roll through about an hour and a half before my lesson. Storms and rush hour means back ups and the traffic app was telling me that my 20 minute drive to the studio was going to take 45 minutes. So I decided to leave a little earlier than usual and there was some rushing around to make that happen. Its always a risk because traffic can either get more backed up or the back ups can clear but you never know. This turned out to be a case where the traffic thinned out a bit so I still got to the studio a little early.
Kid T comes to tell me to get ready because we are starting early so OwnerGuy can be on our lesson. His student was running late and he had some changes to our Viennese Waltz so he wanted a little time to work with us. Well, he changed the part he wanted to change and then his student showed up so he had to leave for his lesson. What he did worked but it changed the timing so steps that were on a 1-2-3 were now on a 4-5-6. Kid T is trying to see how we can fix this and I got a bit frustrated because he drops in for a minute, makes a change, waltzes away and has managed to mess up our routine so now she needs to fix it. And the countdown clock to the Big Dance Event is ticking loudly in my head and I realize I don’t have a lesson to waste with her trying to figure something out. She did figure out that we could hold an extra couple of beats near the end of the old routine and before we start the new stuff and that got things back on track.
By then, I was not in the right frame of mind. I started to think about how bad this was going to look and how I’d be laughed off the stage and why in the world I was even thinking about the Big Dance Event. And I got to the point where I just couldn’t hear the positive stuff from Kid T. I just heard my own voices telling me how bad I was.
We get to the end of the lesson and she wants to give it one more try but with a different song. (Forgot to mention that they decided that our solo routine would do double duty as the open routine with a few of the parts taken away). So we were practicing to different tempos since our song is pretty slow. As she went to pick the song I had a little chat with myself. Supportive but a little assertive. Basically telling myself to knock off the drama because I could do this.
And we did the last run and I’m noticing these newer students just staring at us. We get done and we are walking to them because that’s where the tables and notebooks are and they both start telling me how beautiful it was. I did start to feel a little silly for acting up and I realized I can do this. And I need to tell my inner voices to shut up a little more often.