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You’re so mean, when you talk, about yourself you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

I do have a certain gift for making random connections between things. I’ve read enough personality stuff to know it is extraverted intuition.  Some days it is much stronger than others and there are times when I can use it to be funny.  Someone will make a statement and I’ll go off on a riff making these connections and statements and it is as natural to me as breathing.  It just happens.  I do like this part of me because, when it is done right, I can bring a lot of levity to situations and sometimes that is a good power to have.  A lot of my team are Guardian types and they tend to get hung up and can take things way too seriously.  So I can use this to remind them that it is just work and not really a matter of life or death and we can still have fun.

Just an aside.  If you ever say something to someone that wasn’t intended to be funny and they start laughing to themselves, well that’s probably an example of this.  Happens to me a lot where I’ll pop up an image or a phrase that is only loosely related to the statement but strikes me as extremely funny.  Probably leads people to think I’m a little off but I can crack myself up a lot.  Of course, you can’t ever really explain that to people.  I can try to explain the connection I made but it usually won’t seem funny to them.

But gifts can be used for evil as well as good.  I can go off on the most sarcastic and caustic riffs and tear someone down. That tends to happen under stress and I work on controlling it because it is ugly.  What I have a harder time controlling is when I turn that part inward and attack myself.

I’ve always had this built in ego check function which tends to keep me from getting too cocky.  (I never get above my raising)  I happen to think that a little self-deprecating humor is healthy but, even a healthy thing can be toxic.  Tylenol is great at pain killing.  Take too many and it will shut your organs down and kill you.  (Graphic but you get the point)

Build in one more complicating factor and that is my need for positive feedback.  Yes, it mostly embarrasses me when I get it but it is better than going unappreciated.  But when I get in the grip when I’m attacking myself, then I actually fight the compliments and I start looking for reasons why I didn’t deserve them.  It is my classic response to Kid T “That wasn’t bad” with “Yes, but it wasn’t good either”.  The voices in my head have told me that I suck and so I must reject any and all evidence to the contrary.  Unfortunately, that seems to turn my extraverted intuition into overdrive because I’m just on and I’ve got two or three snappy comebacks to every compliment.  If they were meant to be light and airy, they would be funny.  But there is no real humor in these.  They are the ultimate words as weapons just cutting down whatever positive I might draw from the compliment to keep me in the “I suck” place.

Case in point.  OwnerGuy was on the last half of our last lesson and we were smoothing out the FoxTrot.  A crowd had gathered for group class and we were dancing next to the tables and so people were watching.  I get done and I’m walking over to the table to sign my book and take some notes and a friend of mine says “that looked good”.  I said, “yeah, it looked good when OwnerGuy did it, not so much with me”.  He said “No, YOU looked good.”.  I made another comeback because I wasn’t going to let him win and leave me with a positive.  And then he hit me with the “how many times have you done that step”.  And then I had to say “well this is just our second lesson”.  And he makes another comment.  Sometimes it does take the verbal equivalent of a 2×4 smacking me across the forehead to get the point across.  Is the Fox Trot pefect?  No.  Does it suck?  No.  I’m learning.  It is pretty decent already and it will only get better.  I can do this.

I’m going to be away from the studio for a couple of days next week.  I’m leaving on the 5th to drive up and spend some time with my parents.  I think this break is coming at a good time because this post has just made me think about a few things and I can try to break out of this particular cycle.

I wonder if this is just some attempt from my sub conscious to give me an excuse to skip the Big Dance Event.  I mean, if I suck and all the open routines are terrible, why go??  That’s kind of what the voices were saying to me.  Since I’ve tuned them down just a bit, I know there are things that I do know and could do at the Big Dance Event and I think we could carve out a selection of things that would make it a good time.  So some time away right now is probably a good thing because it should give me time to let those voices quiet down.

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