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After Showcase, I got thank you notes from both Kid T and Sunny.  It is something they’ve just recently started doing and it is one of those things that I can take either way.  But I have to admit it is a nice gesture and I’m kind of a sucker for things like that.  I mean we do spend a lot of money and invest a lot of time in doing a Showcase and it is nice for the instructors to recognize that.

Kid T was all about how good I did and how proud she was of me and how our routines were great and how she can’t wait to dance with me at the next event.  Here’s the funny part.  Back in the day, I would have given almost anything to have Z say even half of that and yet there is part of me that is fighting to discount the things Kid T has said.  Yeah, I can be a little quirky at times.  But the part that is winning is the part that says it is nice to hear it and that it feels genuine to me.

In looking back at the week that was and by forcing myself to look at the good, I see real potential in both the Viennese Waltz we’ll do at showstoppers and the open Tango.  They are shells that I can now breath life into.  It is all about taking someone’s vision and bringing it to life while finding ways to add my own signature to it.  Not yet sure what my signature is but I’ve got a canvas to work with.  Kind of like a color by numbers only I’m not necessarily limited to the color the number says to use.  OK, that didn’t make much sense because there are things that have to be done but there are still opportunities to add styling and make these mine.

Some time ago, Hilde hit me with the “you dance with passion” comment.  And, that is true.  I really can’t deny my nature.  I’m someone who does feel certain things very deeply and those things can trigger intense emotional responses.  Dancing is a way of touching that creative part of me that doesn’t get fully exercised during the work day and when it becomes nothing but routine, it dims the fire that burns in me.  I need something to be passionate about.  Yes, I need an end goal but I need something that makes me feel because I think that’s when I can bring out the best I have to offer.

And in reflecting on these new routines and plus the opportunity to do a Quickstep with Sunny that we can put our own stamp on does excite me.  I’m ready to get back to the open routines we started with even if it means standing there on my own and trying to look tall.

There are two things that I continue to fight.  The first is my fear reaction every time I see something new and challenging.  My logical mind instantly goes to “I can’t do that” or “That’s not me”.  Problem is that I can do those things and they are me.  Case in point, in our West Coast Swing routine, the end is me and Kid T together with her facing the audience and me with my back to them and I end up having to move my rear end with the audience watching.   (Think George Michael in the first Faith video).  As you can imagine, my first reaction was “you want me to do WHAT?”  Now, I’ve done it three times at three different Showcases and it is really no big deal.  See, I am starting to realize that I can mix in some moments like that because there is a lot of solid dancing in my routines.  So I’m not just going for the pure entertainment value.  Anyway, the point is that I have to control that first reaction.

Of course, my second reaction is to compensate and go too far in the other direction and start imagining and ideal version of the dance which I can never measure up to.  That just feeds a demon of a different sort because then I can’t even accept any compliments because, in my mind, I didn’t measure up.  So how could anyone appreciate what I did.

The other big thing for me to do is keep the lines of communication open which is also hard for me to do.  When it becomes a grind and my battery starts to discharge, then I need some way to just do something fun and light the fire again.  Have to figure out a way to communicate all this to Kid and OwnerGuy but maybe it is about keeping some dance in reserve to just pull out and have fun with once in awhile to let me clear my head.

Passion with balance.  Gee, that can’t be too hard, can it??

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