What Hurts the Most

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Yes, its a two post day.  That can’t be good.  The problem with getting a glimpse into the future is that in the light of day, you see how far you still have to go to reach your destination and all the excitement of that first sign fades quickly.  It is like trudging through the desert and seeing an oasis only to get there and find it is nothing but a mirage and you are still in the middle of the sand with miles to go before you can rest.  We were doing rumba today and Kid T talked about how it is like walking through the sand.  She went with the beach.  I took it to desert.

It wasn’t a bad lesson if I force myself to be honest. But it was all squarely in the awkward phase and you know just how much fun that can be.  I’ve told you before that I’ve got arthritis in my right knee.  I don’t know that I’ve mentioned that it is also in my left toe (and now a little bit in my right toe as well).  So, doing 45 minutes of Rumba where all you are doing is leading with your toes and doing all the bending and straightening of the knee doesn’t feel so hot.  My knee was actually throbbing on the drive home. I’m going to have to admit to Kid T that I can’t spend an entire 45 minutes doing that.  And all that does is push the destination out even farther.  I know I’m usually more about the journey but it gets depressing when the destination just seems so far away.

Let’s run down the list of things that hurt right now.

  • Already covered the right knee.
  • Both big toes are aching (who the hell gets arthritis in a freaking toe)
  • My feet are tired and sore.
  • My right shoulder hurts – feels like the muscle and not the joint and that’s a combination of what Trainer guy is doing and trying to keep a strong frame.
  • My shoulder blades and upper back are tight – I can actually crack my back from time to time from just flexing my shoulder back.
  • My right hip is a little sore probably from my incorrect settling (more on that later)
  • Oh, and just for good measure, my thumbs are a little stiff.  I have no idea why.  I know I dance with ladies who latch on to them but it could be some other joint thing.

Any more parts that want to throw in the towel and just give up?  I know I don’t normally bitch about this but I’m tired and I’m sore and I’m seriously wondering why I’m continuing to do this to myself.

Ballroom can be such a cruel mistress.  It is times like this when I seriously feel like a junkie.  I’m all strung out with my body fighting me because I may be working it harder than it would like.  I’m doing this to chase those fleeting moments when all the steps just break right and the feeling is something I can’t describe.  I’ll just use something hokey like my soul singing.  I don’t even know if that is possible but those moments do light me up inside like few other things do.  So I keep chasing that high and pushing myself to do more and to be better and then ballroom just laughs at me and shows me how far I still have to go.  How much more does it want from me?  Oh, just mind, body and soul.

Kid T gave me the spiel about party and asked why I was leaving early so often.  I gave her a half truth which was that they’ve focused so much on getting me to be more of a competitive dancer that it is hard to drop back into just being a social dancer.  Case in point, at Waltz group last night, Z kept emphasizing that you don’t look at your partner.  In a social setting, you are dancing with someone you may not have seen in a bit and there is going to be that small talk.  So, what do I do?  Say, excuse me, I’ll dance a Waltz with you but I can’t look at you or talk to you because I’m training myself to have better posture.

And, that is only a half truth.  The full truth makes me an ugly person but I might as well fess up.  There are just certain ladies there that I don’t enjoy dancing with.  And I can’t avoid them all night so I have to dance with them.  I know that makes me a horrible person.  It isn’t like I think that I’m some super dancer who is too good to dance with people because that isn’t it.  And I know they are trying their best and I know they want to dance with me.  But it ends up feeling like a car with an exhaust problem choking and backfiring and not accelerating smoothly.  That is something I can’t tell Kid T.  “Yeah, I’m skipping party because a couple of these ladies really don’t know how to dance even though they’ve been coming here and spending lots of money”.  Well that’s not nice and its a little unfair because they can dance but they spend way too much time thinking and anticipating and fighting with me for the lead.

I’ve got Showcase coming up and I don’t feel ready.  I don’t have a costume for the Peabody and I don’t know what to wear.  I don’t want to do the open routines but they want me to practice them (ships aren’t built to be in harbor).  Just another Thursday night self-doubt session.

I do have another coaching lesson tomorrow.  Maybe another shot of whatever I had last night will help.  Just hope the knee decides to cooperate.

Oh, and on a parting note, I forget one other body part.  Because of the way they are having me do Rumba, my ankles are now a little sore.  And I forgot another thing that should be mentioned.  We were practicing the whole leading with the toe with the foot bent and Kid T is talking about how good it looks.  But, then she tosses in the, “and eventually you have your toe pointed like this”.  Um, maybe if I was 21 again, I could end up there but can we not add any more unrealistic expectations to me.  So if I can’t get my feet to do that, does that just make me a failure.


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