Yes, another post. I know it is hard to keep up with the story at times. I wasn’t planning on writing anything but I left party early (more on that) and I just have things swirling around in my head again. Kind of at a low on self-confidence which sucks but it is what it is and all I can do is write about it.
There is really only a tentative connection to the title. I’ve realized that the honeymoon period with Kid T is over and now we have the hard work of really seeing if we can establish an effective partnership. I know there was an 80’s band Honeymoon Suite but none of their songs really seemed to fit. I just went with the moon and a Duran Duran song because who doesn’t love Duran Duran? Yeah, I know you probably could care less about where I get the titles from but I’m trying to ease my way into this post and a little free association always helps.
So we were working on the cha-cha today as she and OwnerGuy had added a few more pieces. It isn’t all the way finished yet – I guess OwnerGuy is something of a perfectionist when it comes to these things so he still has ideas. I’m trying to like this cha-cha but I’m seriously not feeling it. His stated goal is to get me to do the kind of quick footwork that a cha-cha is supposed to have which automatically puts me on the defensive because it starts to feel like something that is seriously above my pay grade. But the routine was all kinds of little adjustments to the cha-cha’s and sometimes they aren’t there and sometimes I’m holding things and sometimes they go sideways and it is all confusing me. All I can think about it how badly this is going to suck when it gets up to speed and I can’t remember which part I’m supposed to be doing.
If I were to really look at it objectively, I didn’t do that badly. So the reality is that my hypersensitive self is just overreacting to a statement that really wasn’t a criticism. It is that whole ideal dancer vs reality and wanting to make the dances look like what they are supposed to look like. When I head Kid T say something like improving the footwork to make it look more like a cha-cha, that is just like a sword that slices through my idealized version of myself and, as it falls away, it is replaced by my perception of my real self which is a slow, plodding, total non-latin dancer. Yeah, the reality is somewhere between the ideal I wrap myself in and the reality I perceive but I’m not good at finding that middle ground. So I spent the entire lesson imagining how awful I was looking. There was a section where we were near the mirror and she said something about being able to see ourselves and I said there is no way I’m looking at myself.
But as we move away from routines that I already knew and she was just polishing up, I’m starting to wonder about how effective she is going to be at teaching me new and more advanced things. Here’s a small thing but it is a bit of a pet peeve of mine. At the end of what we learned, I supposed to swivel on one foot. She shows me what she wants which was about a 90 degree turn. I did that and I had so much momentum that I had to stop myself at 90 degrees which is what I thought I was supposed to do. Then, she says that I needed to do more. OK, then say that. I don’t know what I don’t know. All I can do is mimic what I see you do. If that isn’t what you want then tell me what you want. All of this flashed through my head but I didn’t say anything because I figured it would sound a little whiny.
I’ll admit that the pivot is cool. That was really the only part of the routine I’m sold on. At the end of the lesson, she and OwnerGuy are talking to me about the routine. I’ve got the whole “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all” down to an art so I can deflect with the best of them. Truth is that I’m not comfortable with this and I’m not convinced I’m capable. Then she brings up a dance trip in June and I just said that I’m not ready and that I barely felt ready for Showcase. Goes back to the whole feeling like I’ve been in neutral since November. I may get another talking to but I can’t help that I feel this way.
I had to leave party early because they are trying to teach me all these things about posture and I go to party and it all goes out the window because I’m having to expend extra effort to lead some of these ladies. I danced a Waltz with one who was “heavy” and no that has nothing to do with weight but it has to do with how she is in frame and when you get too much pressure put on you, it is harder to move and you need to exert more force. My shoulder already hurts for other reasons and it was screaming at me after this dance so I just left.
There was a hustle on and Kid T tried to get me to stay but I just said “No Hustle” which OwnerGuy heard and he got all up on me (in a nice way) because I used to do hustle all the time.
And here is something I realized. It is not just the dance, it is the whole package. Everyone you dance with feels different. Every now and then, you get a partner for a dance and it is as close to perfect as you are going to get. Dancing with others may be fun but it is never the same. The Statue was my partner for Hustle at parties and she was great. The turns with her were effortless and, even when I was off time, she never really seemed to care.
Well, I’m not sure where this is going. I’ve got doubts about my abilities. I’ve got doubts about my instructor and whether she’s really the right one for me. It is not all dark because there are flashes like last night where things comes together but then we take a step backwards tonight and all the doubts come rushing forward. Or, this could all just be those stupid pre-Showcase jitters. Can’t blame the weather because it has been sunny and nice.