So, here’s a little repeating pattern in my life (at least since dancing)
- Series of events leads to a build up of negative emotions.
- Try to ignore negative emotions and tell them to shut up.
- Emotions refuse and get stronger.
- Tell myself I don’t really care and really try to suppress emotions – certainly can’t talk about them.
- Emotion suppression fails and there is an emotional warp core breach.
- Fail to eject core in time and have a melt down to some degree.
- Spent next several days feeling guilty/stupid/embarrassed about melt down.
- Wish it didn’t happen.
- Acknowledge that it did, swear it won’t happen again.
Go back to step 1 and repeat. The length between the cycles can certainly vary. Right now, I’m in between 7 and 8. I’ve got another lesson tonight but I’m little concerned about the reaction I got from Kid T when I arrived for group class. Then again, I’m prone to reading way too much into things. But this is the first time she saw me at my frustrated, “I hate my dancing” worst. It ain’t pretty.
I’m actually a little nervous about tonight’s lesson. I have no idea how it is going to go. I had a pretty tough work out session this afternoon and I’m little tired and a bit sore in spots which could help or hurt. The problem is that I don’t know what I want to work on. Do I want to go back to the open routines since we haven’t done those. Or, should the focus shift back to the closed routines so I’d at least have something solid for Showcase. Should we work on the solos? Each has pros and cons and I just can’t really decide what I’m in the mood for. To be honest, I’m kind of in the mood to take tonight off and just go to bed early but that isn’t going to happen.
I’m also trying to get myself mentally in the game for Showcase but that’s been a super struggle as well. I’ve even done some mental exercises thinking about pulling out of Showcase and how I could effectively argue that with OwnerGuy. Not that I want to do that but I figured if I explored that possibility, it would allow me to test the waters and prove to myself that I really want to go. It hasn’t worked. The harmonic convergence of all the little things still has me seriously in a rut. Well I guess I just keep grinding and hope that things turn around.
We did have formation practice yesterday. What is funny about this is that we’ve had three sessions and the student attendance has been 100%. The instructor attendance has been 50% the last two times. So we have to shuffle partners and shuffle the circle and we at least get some practice but not with the actual formation.
Kid T was leading things yesterday since Cosmo was filling in for OwnerGuy since they were still out. I think sometimes she gets a little frustrated with us because it can be like herding cats. Let’s face it, we are all professional adults of a certain age being asked to act a little silly. There are limits to how seriously you can take the practices.
Last night, she introduced a step where we just stand in place and do two snaps to keep time. The guy she was dancing with sidled over to me to ask “is that a bronze step or a silver step”. Sorry, but that’s funny so we laughed. Not sure she appreciated it since we weren’t paying attention but it was near the end of the practice.
Well, I’m off to go think about tonight’s lesson.