Hilde sends me a text yesterday to say that she won’t be able to make our dance dates for the next two weeks in a row. She wanted to give me enough advanced warning which is why she was so early with the text. I do appreciate that although it just gives me a lot of time to think and decide whether I should go solo or just stay home. Am I truly ready for this?
When we originally discussed this, it was always going to be an every other week thing since she had other commitments that prevented her from being free on every Friday so this last month has really been a bonus.
I have to do a little aside here to give you some additional insight into my tortured thought processes. First, I was naturally curious about why she couldn’t go and I did want to make sure nothing was wrong. But, as an introvert, I naturally respect boundaries that may not really be there. I mean, if she really wanted me to know the reason, she would have said it. Because she just said she couldn’t go, that’s all I needed to know. Still, I wondered if I shouldn’t say something because I didn’t want to sound like I didn’t care. But I didn’t want to pry because it really isn’t my business anyway. Yeah, and this is all still going through my head today. In the end, I just texted something about going so I could still learn the group class and show it to her and she certainly agreed with that.
So, now I’m considering all the angles. There would likely be people to dance with so that wouldn’t be an issue. And, if there weren’t, I could always leave after group class because others do that. Or, I could stay for a couple of dances just to be social and then move on. I’ve been there enough that people would recognize me and I’m sure some would be very happy to dance with me. (They might really enjoy the fact that I’m solo since there would be more opportunities to dance)
And, I don’t want to just disappear for a couple of weeks. I have my reasons which I’m not quite ready to get into. I mean, Hilde and I aren’t a couple and if I enjoy dancing, then why shouldn’t I go. On the other hand, I don’t really know anyone all that well and haven’t had a lot of conversations so there would have to be a lot of small talk. And, there is no guarantee that there would be ladies to dance with. The crowd at these events can be variable.
If I go, I might have to dance more with the group class leader. Dancing with other instructors is always a bit unnerving for me. I build up all this “don’t screw it up” anxiety and then I hope the music is something I’m going to hear so I don’t end up off time. Once we get going, it usually works out OK, but the stuff leading up to can be difficult.
I know I’m going to back and forth all week about this. I can see myself driving all the way up there and finding another place to park and sitting in my car deciding whether to go the rest of the way. Which is stupid because its a dance class and I’ve attended two and there is no law that says I need a partner.
Round and round we go. Where I stop, I don’t even know.
(Right now, I’m leaning towards going. Think I’d rather face the anxiety and awkwardness of being there by myself over how much I’d beat myself up for chickening out and not going. But that could change.)