So, Monday night just before group class, OwnerGuy comes up to me and says he wants to talk on Wednesday. In preparation for Showcase, I’m starting double lessons with Kid T on Wednesday – we’ve still got lots to work on so grabbing another lesson becomes important. So, instead of disturbing my lessons, he wants to talk during group class.
Now my brain has gone into overdrive. Does he want more money? Don’t think so since that doesn’t require a private conversation. He can’t want me to sign up for more lessons since I just re-upped in November. Is Kid T going somewhere? Doesn’t seem likely since he wants to talk alone and when the Body Double left, they both met with me. The three most likely possibilities:
- He wants a more firm commitment to doing the event in Boston. It was tossed out there and I didn’t rule it out right away. Seems like a possibility but we are still a couple of months out so I wouldn’t think that would be the case unless he’s just going to do a little hard sell to convince me I should go.
- He’s not going to meet his commitment of getting all the open rhythm routines done by the end of March. Could be but since he still has a week to go, I’d think he’d wait until the very last minute.
- Or it could be a continuation of the conversation we had at party a couple of weeks ago as I was leaving. He wasn’t in the room when I left early last Thursday and I also skipped a group class that week. Possible although I’m still taking lessons so I’m not sure why it matters whether I go to group and parties.
The only supporting evidence I have is one of the new instructors coming up to me last night and asking why I wasn’t at more group classes. This is because I skipped the group and came just for my lesson last night. The real reason is that OwnerGuy is out on Tuesday and there is a good chance that Z will be teaching group class on Tuesday night and it just feels like the safest thing to do is to just skip. Yeah, not the bravest thing to do but why go to something with a more potential downside than upside. Funny thing was that there were more instructors (5) than students (3) in the group last night.
Ever have conversations in your mind? I do that all the time. I know speaking isn’t my strong suit so I try to practice in my head what I would say and how the conversation might go and what my response might be and so on. It never goes the way I think it will but at least I have some things in my head as preparation so I don’t end up just staring blankly and trying to find the right words. I should ask for his questions in advance and then I could do a written response and all would be good.
As I sift through conversations, there are a couple of themes that come out:
- I want to continue dancing. There is no doubt in my mind that having an outlet for something artistic and creative is something I need. Dance is slowly becoming part of my DNA (if it isn’t already), so giving it up isn’t an option.
- But is this study really the right place for me? Some days it doesn’t feel like home anymore. My issues come down to two.
- First, there is no guarantee that Kid T is going to stick around and if she leaves, I don’t have any other options. I’m not the best at planning for contingencies but doesn’t it make sense for me to explore other options now to have a back-up plan .
- Secondly, and this directly hits him, are they really on my team? Kid T can’t do this by herself. She’s good but she’s not going to get me to where I want to go without help. I know Z is a dead end so that just leaves OwnerGuy. So, is he in or out? Cause I can’t tell from day to day. If he’s not in, then this really isn’t the place for me.
- And, with all that, it still makes sense for me to pull away a bit at times. To really know if this is the right place for me, I have to take a step back. If I find myself truly missing it, then I know that I still belong there.
- This is nothing against the other students. They all seem to enjoy having me around and I always feel welcome around them. That’s not driving this.
- Neither is my relationship with Kid T. We are working better together and I know she’s committed. The other instructors always make me feel welcome as well. But, after the crap that went down last year, I do wonder if we’d all be better off if I went elsewhere.
- When it comes to parties, it really depends on the mix of people, the music, how I’m feeling, how tired I am, how the first dance went. All of these things go into some very complex function (I’m sure there are logarithmic terms in this function) to determine how I’m going to feel. Some days, I just don’t feel it and I’m just not that into the party. Trying to stay just leads to more mistakes and I see everyone having fun and I’m not with them and leaving just seems like the best option.
Well, I shuffle these points in my head multiple times and deal them out and try to construct a coherent argument assuming I’m asked the question “Is everything OK”. But what to include? What are the important points? What can I say without coming across as some kind of overly emotional basket case. I know I can’t get them all in or I’ll just start babbling and he’ll just give me the look like “I’m trying to listen but it is like you are speaking a foreign language right now.”
One thing I’ve ruled out is the point about feeling like it would better if I left. I’d only ask that to get reassurance that I should stay. But what if he says “maybe you should”. Yeah, not ready for that yet. Never bluff unless your prepared to have your bluff called. Or, never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.
And with all this mental gymnastics, I know it is going to be something completely different that I’m not prepared for and I’ll just give him the blank stare while I think of what I should say.
I really should tell him I need the questions in advance and I’ll give him a written response. That’s my strong suit. Talking, not so much.
I suppose I should briefly touch on the lesson. Kid T has finished our Peabody routine. We didn’t quite get through all of it but there is a spin for me (YAY!!, I do so LOVE to spin he says with heavy sarcasm). Then we do something called a spot grapevine which took the longest time to explain. She tells me that I’m not moving forward on a couple of steps even though the steps are actually forward. I gave her the “I hear your words but I do not think they mean what you think they mean” stare but eventually had to say that I wasn’t following. After several attempts, she finally hit on the winning solution which was to say that certain steps were like a check. Light Bulb!! Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!!! I guess the plus side is I managed to continue speaking instead of what I’d do with Z which was to just agree that I understood it even when I didn’t and just hope things would work out.
We got through that and the next was “just an open box”. OK, I hate when an instructor says “just” as it implies it should be easy. For some reason, I can get the complex stuff and then I find ways to mess up stuff that is supposed to be idiot proof. Then, I start to overthink and you know how well that always works out. I got the general gist but it was the least comfortable part of the routine.
Oh, and just because I feel like bragging on myself, the beginning is a pivot and she’s really liking the pivot. I have to admit I do a pretty fair pivot. We end up getting about 1.5 rotations out of it and I’ve learned to stretch away to make it move better so it always feels smooth. I’m even getting used to being linked at the thigh with a much younger lady. Again, you would think that wouldn’t be a problem but there is still the age difference, creepy old guy vibe that comes up from time to time. Oh, and speaking of inappropriate touching, after my spin, I’m supposed to get her by the waist and take two steps and give her a free spin. So, picture this. I’m coming off my spin where I lose sight of her and I have to get my arm around her mid section and, while she’s not short, there isn’t a lot of safe real estate to latch on to. Yes, there was a small amount of accidental gropage which doesn’t help with the creepy guy vibe. I just need to get my arm lower and out of the danger zone. The real good thing is that she doesn’t even mention it so it doesn’t give me the opportunity to get all self-conscious and tentative.
I’ll let you know what OwnerGuy wanted. I’m now to the point where I just want to get it over with.