Had no plans to do another post so soon but the events of the day practically demand one.
Our lesson was just the swing and rumba. We started with rumba and it was OK. There was actually a part of mine that I remembered correctly and Kid T didn’t so we had to check the video to confirm I was right. We tried to fix the swing to find the two missing beats and she thought she had it fixed but, when she tried it with me, it didn’t work so we ended up having to make another adjustment on the fly.
I’m still dealing with the crap I mentioned in the last post. We start the Rumba and she tells me to stand up and my brain is screaming at me to stay small. I just feel like I tower over her if I do stand up and then it just makes me feel more self-conscious like I’m some lumbering giant pretending to dance. Yeah, that’s what I’m still fighting with. I’m mostly keeping them at bay but it is hard. I did finally manage to talk with Kid T about these routines and how the choreography isn’t bothering me because I can do the steps. But I don’t want to just do the steps. I want to do the dance! I think that made sense to her. At least I hope it did because that’s the best I can do at communicating what I’m feeling. Don’t know why I’m being dragged down this path again but I’m fighting hard to stay in the light.
The other thing that is going on is that the parties have just lost all their appeal. Last week, I blamed it on the music but Z wasn’t even there and the song choices were better but I really wasn’t feeling it at all. The music didn’t even make me move. I was just dead inside and going through the motions. Have no idea where THAT came from but it was enough to make me leave the party after 15 minutes.
Oh, and the group class. It wasn’t bad but so many of my partners had a death grip on my left thumb. It actually is a little sore. But that is such an awkward thing. Do you tell someone they are causing you some discomfort and risk embarrassing them or do you just shut up and take it and hope the next person won’t do it. I opted for the second option. Story of my life. Yeah, I become more certain that I’m an INFP every day. Considering what others will think of what I say and biting my tongue is really not something an INTP is supposed to do.
As I was leaving, OwnerGuy caught up with me to ask how the routines were going. Oh boy was I conflicted. Part of me was screaming “TELL HIM”. I flash back to what I’ve told people on my team. That I can’t fix a problem that I don’t know about and if they aren’t willing to talk to me about it, then they can’t get upset when nothing changes. But the other part of me was afraid to unleash the beast. I’ve got all these deep and conflicted feelings but expressing them in simple, coherent thoughts is not my strong suit. Instead it tends to either be a series of hesitant half answers that doesn’t really say anything. Or the dam breaks and stream of consciousness pours out which can leave people wondering who the hell I am. Yeah, that second one doesn’t happen too often because I try to keep a tight reign.
Well, I hemmed and hawed enough for him to figure out that something wasn’t right. I offered up the same thing I said to Kid T that I wasn’t worried about the choreography but that I wasn’t sure how to make them look right. I did touch on the fact that I feel like an afterthought at times but I managed to make a salient point by explaining that there were times when Kid T couldn’t quite figure out the video and we had to plow through and that I didn’t know what he really wanted. He agreed with that and said there were parts where he wants me to hit a certain line but I don’t know that Kid T can really explain that to me. And I talked about the pace of these open routines and how they are so slow in coming and that they keep changing and so my initial enthusiasm is starting to wane. He committed to having all the rhythm ones in place by the end of March.
Then he hit me with the line “the best thing to do is to take more coaching lessons”. I was feeling a little braver and he told me not to worry about hurting his feelings, so I said “yeah, let’s talk about that”. Which lead me to go on a nice mini rant about how the sign up sheet goes up on a day I’m not there and by the time I see it, all the slots are taken. He then said his student has yelled at him about the same thing and that he was working on it. Maybe hearing it from two sources will be the trigger. I wanted to say that the issue is that his wife signs up her students first and makes sure all the best slots are taken. Got no issue with Tex getting lessons from each coach but he shouldn’t get the first pick of time slots with both. That seems fair to me. But I figured I had already pushed my luck so I just left it at the frustration of not being able to get a slot because I’m not there when the list goes up.
All in all, OwnerGuy was receptive and agreed and explained that there was a lot going on which I acknowledged. He did say that was no excuse so at least some of my feeling are out on the table. I’d like to believe he’ll follow through but I’m not as convinced of that. At the end of the day, he’s still just making promises that things will be better which I’ve heard before. But, I know I need to keep finding my voice. I am paying for this and if there are problems, I need to find a way to speak up. The real challenge for me though is sorting through all these feelings because I know I can sometimes find slights that aren’t real or blow things out of proportion. And sometimes it is real but my feelings can lead me down the wrong path so I have to be careful about that.
So there you go. I did at least manage to get some things on the record. If I was really brave, I’d just give him the web address to this blog and tell him to check in here from time to time as that would really let him know what’s going on. But that’s just not going to happen.