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I have a confession to make.  Yesterday, I did something that I don’t believe I’ve ever done before.  I left the studio right after my private lesson and skipped both group class and the party.  I just couldn’t people anymore that day and I needed some alone time.  I’m glad I listened to my body.  Today was a better day but the demons aren’t fully walled off.

What I hadn’t considered is how much work has been impacted me as well.  I have a lot of people who work for me who like rules and structure and get seriously stressed when things change.  I also have many people who are afraid of making mistakes so they like to use something familiar as a template and get stressed when it doesn’t quite fit.

But there are times when work is like that.  There aren’t rules for everything and you have to be able to cope and deal with uncertainty.  It means stretching people and pushing them outside their comfort zone.  The problem is that if you are going to do that, then you need to provide support which I can do but too much of it does drain me.  I had so many conversations where I could just read the face and know that I hadn’t made all the fear go away.  Which just naturally put me into overdrive to fine a way to do that.  I wonder if helping to give someone confidence requires taking on some of their uncertainty and doubt.

And it is more than just my group.  There are some glitches with a project and the part I’m responsible for but I’ve got it under control.  The problem is that a whole lot of people who don’t have my level of experience don’t fully understand the situation or the solution so I’m spending a lot of time in meetings explaining things.  It again involves projecting the confidence “I’ve got this” so people don’t get overly freaked out.

I just wonder if I hit a wall somewhere and that I had drawn through all my reserves trying to reassure people that the world wasn’t going to end.  And that left me vulnerable to picking up and amplifying whatever vibe I got from Z during that group class.

Part of what got me thinking about this was this quote I found on Pinterest.  What is interesting is that it just popped up when I logged in and it isn’t something that normally pops up based on what I’ve pinned.  I’ve really started to accept that there are a lot of random little events that aren’t that random and maybe this is just what I needed to hear at the time.

Here it is “I used to dislike being sensitive.  I thought it made me weak.  But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essence of who I am.  You take away my conscience, my ability to empathize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation for the little things, my vivid inner life, my keen awareness to others pain and my passion for it all.”

Now it isn’t a perfect match but it is close enough.  I was beating myself up because on paper it seemed like such a trivial thing.  But the reality is that I do feel things deeply and I am able to pick up on vibes from time to time.  Sensitive is not exactly considered manly but it is a part of who I am.  Dance may have released that side of me or forced me to acknowledge that it is there.  This quote tells me that I need to accept it.  It also means I just need to be careful and watch myself if I start to expend too much energy because it does make me vulnerable to really amplifying something negative.

So today was an interesting day in the studio.  We did our little formation that we’ll do at Showstoppers.  I had a private lesson with Kid  T but group class was sandwiched between.  The numbers were uneven with one extra guy so I made an excuse to sit out.  The reason I did was because Z wasn’t in the group and I didn’t want anyone suggesting she should join.  Yeah, not exactly the bravest thing to do but it was more self-preservation than anything else.  The good thing was that we had a late comer so I jumped in.

The group was shuffle which is what I used to dance with 3 of 3.  I sort of retired from country dancing when she left even though I love it.  It was fun to get back into it.  When Hilde came around to me in the rotation, she started going on about how I had the swagger going.  Really, it is a triple step, triple step, walk, walk dance so it is like linear swing.  I was just doing some body movement so it wouldn’t look flat.  Guess it qualified as swagger in her mind.  I was doing it because I was having fun.  Kid T kind of chided me at the end saying I did real good for someone who hated Shuffle.  Wanted to tell her that I never said I hated Shuffle.  It was just that something had to give because there are only so many dances I can focus on but I didn’t.  Maybe I should bring it back up once we get through Showstoppers next week.  It was more fun than I remembered.

The private lesson wasn’t the best.  We continue to just work on the Peabody routine.  I can understand that because we have Showstoppers next week.  The problem is I’m starting to get this vibe that Kid T wants it to be flawless and she’s pushing hard – both in this and the mini formation we are doing.  Throw in the fact that OwnerGuy is doing the same thing in the Waltz and Hilde tells me she doesn’t want to be good, she wants to be great.  Yes, I want all this as well but perfectionism is a trap for me.  If I get to the point where I’m trying to do too much because I’m afraid I’ll let someone down, well, that’s where the demons just come out and rip me to pieces.  It is good to be pushed but I know that it has the potential to not end well.  The good news is that Showstoppers is Thursday so I think things will ease up after that.

There is another little thing that is creeping in.  The other day Kid T made a comment about me not always telling her how I feel.  There are times when my stock answer of “fine” doesn’t always match my facial expressions and she picks up on that.  The problem is that I usually only have a vague feeling of something not being right and that is hard to communicate since it is not something that is fixable.  But I’ve learned that going silent isn’t the best answer so I guess I need to find some way just to explain the jumbled mess that is inside my head at times.  Ugh.

I suppose I do have a solid topic I can bring up.  I know her focus is on this routine for showstoppers but a large part of me wants to know “what’s next”.  I get that practice and repetition are important but it isn’t something I can do for a long period of time.  I need something new to shake it up which is why I enjoyed the shuffle group class so much.  That’s something I can bring up with her at our next lesson.

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