Over two years ago, I started this blog with no real goals or ambitions. I was coming off several successful Showcases and was getting ready to do my first real comp. I thought it might be fun to share my experience. It’s been an interesting ride.
I was scared going into that event. Dancing had become something that was so important to me and I so wanted to be perceived as a good dancer. I didn’t handle the fear well and my emotions got the best of me. For the longest time, I’ve not been proud of that. But it hit me while responding to someone else that my fear wasn’t unusual or different. What I needed was someone to be patient and supportive and helpful. That’s not what I had though.
I didn’t expect this blog to change me but it has. Maybe just the act of getting these thoughts out there forced me to take a closer look at what was truly holding me back. For me, I discovered that I truly needed a partner I could trust and one I felt a connection to. When it finally became clear that I didn’t have that, it resulted in a necessary break and change.
But I’ve also learned more about myself and who I am. It has taken a bit to get comfortable with that knowledge but I’m getting there. No big reveals here it is just that I have much more of an artistic, creative, sensitive side of me than I ever really believed.
And now I’m coming off two successful Showcases. I’ve got a Peabody routine that I’m really excited about. I’m doing a Waltz routine with another student which is a different challenge and it is also new and exciting. I signed up for a whole lot more lessons. I’ve had these “new beginnings” before but this one seems different.
And yet, there is part that feels like an ending. I don’t quite understand that part yet. Maybe it is because I always used this blog as therapy. Something about anonymously confessing my feelings and fears that was helpful. Have I outgrown that need??? Who knows??? If so, what does this turn into. Or do I need to close the book here to sever the final link to the ugly parts of the past.
I mean nothing is forever. There are plenty of links on the village page that link to blogs that are no longer active. There are certainly others who are keeping this going. Would I really add anything to the conversation???
I do still enjoy this outlet but I’m just not sure what the right path forward is. I feel like I’ve opened a new chapter in my dance life and that just makes me question whether I should just make a clean break with the past. Or maybe it is just dark and rainy and making me feel more introspective than usual.