When I was swept up in the glow of Showcase, I heard them say that they had videoed all the solo routines and I rushed over to the videographer and he confirmed it so I ordered one. It came the other day and now it sits in its little yellow envelope mocking me. It dares me to open it and watch myself. How does something so small and so innocent looking cause such anxiety. I mean I know I have to open it because I have to pay for it. The guy is expecting money in return for this and I did agree to pay the invoice. Maybe I can open it and just not watch it.
This is one of the last hurdles to overcome. I hate watching myself. I know there is much to be gained from watching a video but all I see are the flaws – real or imagined. In my mind, I’m gliding around the floor but when I watch on video I have some stupid looking expression on my face and I appear to stumble through the steps. It will be awful and will just pick at scars that I’ve had for a long time.
I have come a long way since I started dancing when I showed up overweight and full of insecurities and self-loathing. I’ve physically transformed myself but the mental stuff has been harder. It was compounded by having a relationship that was important to me turn toxic which set me back. I’m mostly over that and in a fairly good place when it comes to what I think of myself but I don’t want to watch this video.
I tell myself that I got good marks. (Of course you did, the judges aren’t going to crush you, they give everyone good marks) OwnerGuy told me the other day that it was the hit of the show. (Of course he would say that. He needs to boost your self-esteem to keep you buying lessons) Well, there was this one lady I didn’t know who said she really enjoyed my routine. (She’s just being polite. Who tells a perfect stranger that they just sucked it up out there)
Yes, this struggle is real. The funny thing is that I’m not self-conscious when I’m out there doing the routine. Something in my just takes over and I’m not even aware of what I might be doing. In the limelight, with everyone watching, I’m not as concerned about how I look. Now, in the privacy of my home and with noone around, I’m afraid to watch something that already happened. What if I look awful? What if I made a complete fool of myself out there.
OK, enough of this. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It is time to face the fear and watch this. I shall return briefly.
(Author’s note: While there is no independent way for you to know this, I assure you that I have not watched my performance at this point. The above was a free form association of the things that have been going through my head since the video arrived)
OK, it wasn’t hideous. I need to keep my head up and my arms were dead at points and I still have this goofy expression that defies explanation. I got a glimpse of OwnerGuy behind us and he seemed pleased. It did flow pretty nicely, I will say that. There were parts where the audience seemed to approve – there were spots where we got applause and some yelling which happens at these events. Kid T looked great.
I suppose I should just put it on endless repeat and desensitize myself to it but I can’t bring myself to do that.
I guess if I were judging, I’d give myself an 8 (it really probably deserves a 7 but I’ll go a little higher)
Of course, I have foolishly signed up to have more stuff recorded at the next Showcase. So I’ll be going through this again soon.