I had two coaching lessons tonight. One was scheduled with the Body Double but Z (maybe I should start calling her X) scheduled a second one for me. Whenever a coach is not fully booked, they always come back to some of us crazy ones to see if we’ll fill the gaps. Z doesn’t normally work on Mondays but she had agreed to come in. Naturally, this was all scheduled before the big break up but we kept both coaching lessons although now I would be working with the Body Double twice.
I got there a little early, since I owed them some money so I had a very brief conversation with OwnerGuy. Kind of the abridged version of my last post where I wanted to let him know that this was a spur of the moment thing and that it had been on my mind for some time. He understood since they switched coaches while they were competing so he got the whole point of needing a fresh start. He said something like “maybe you’ll dance with Z again down the road”. I suspect this is tough for him since he has to be the supportive husband but still has a business to run which means trying to keep both of us happy. But it was a good conversation and I apologized for my part in the nasty scene on Thursday.
I was a little nervous going into the coaching lessons but the coach had been filled in on the basic facts that I had just made a permanent instructor switch and she also said it is good to do that from time to time. We danced our Argentine Tango and then she broke it down piece by piece and gave us a boatload of great information. As expected, she changed the hold so we are closer together (no personal space allowed in Argentine Tango). And she focused on getting me to get fully on each foot to make each step clearer and to take bigger steps in certain places. But, because the Body Double doesn’t have the level of experience Z did, she got some coaching as well. The coach focused on the ganchos – getting her to do them sharper and connect more with my thigh. It was one of the most productive coaching lessons I’ve had.
The second lesson was to focus on Mambo since that is the only one of the nine dances that the Body Double was ready to pick up since she helped choreograph the original closed routine. We focused more on feeling the music. She said counting was great but that I should start to try and feel the pulse of the music and use that to move. Then, we had to talk about how to make the Mambo look more like the Mambo which means getting me to move in ways that are foreign and uncomfortable. At this point, it was just an introduction but she also gave the Body Double specific exercises for me to work on at the start of every lesson when we are doing Mambo which will help me with the flexibility needed to make it look the way it is supposed to. I have some other homework to do as well.
Here’s the funny thing. The positions she wanted my body in are the type of things that make me so self-conscious and usually it is something I fight because I’m afraid of how stupid I’m going to look. Yes, I had that thought here as well but I still went ahead and did it even with one of the other instructors watching. Yes, I felt a little stupid but not as totally self-conscious as I normally do. It is going to take some work to get me there and I may not be able to get all the way there but I think I can make some improvements. So both coaching lessons were wonderful.
At the end of both, I had a short conversation with the Body Double because she got this dropped on her so I thanked her for helping to pick up the pieces. But I also wanted to let her know that I understand she is not at the same level Z is and I don’t expect that. She will pick up the Silver stuff (told me working with me was a strong incentive to do so). I think we have a real opportunity to grow together and it is really exciting.
On the ride home, I realized that a lot of what the coach had me do is stuff that would have caused me to freeze up if I was doing it with Z. I had actually done a little research today on bad relationships. I’m not going to blame her for all my self-esteem issues but if you take a step back, I can see that her actions weren’t helping any. I know she probably felt she was being funny and there are things I can laugh at myself about, but there are things I can’t. I think subconsciously, I didn’t want to do certain things because I didn’t want it to become a joke. Even when she tried to be supportive, I wasn’t buying it because she could turn around and make another one of her jokes just seconds later. Despite all we accomplished, I am starting to see just how bad and toxic our dynamic really was.
And part of that is in how I’m reacting (unless I’m just still in the whole denial stage and the others are waiting). But I’m just feeling like a giant weight has been lifted from me. I was counting music while on the treadmill and I almost broke into singing when Tik Tok came through the headphones. Yes, I have a Ke$ha tune on my iPod – don’t judge! I ended up just mouthing the words because singing out loud would have been truly embarrassing. Don’t know why that came over me but I’ve found myself doing that more often this weekend.
Yes, I suspect that there it won’t be all smooth sailing. But moving on was so obviously the right decision for me. It is a new day and a new chapter in my story. Maybe I can stay away from the Dark Side for a bit and stay in the light. That would be nice.