I’m thinking I might do something a little different and do some quick postings while I’m here but just keep adding comments to this one as things pop into my head. I may abandon this plan later though. What I’m really hoping to do is just get my feelings out and get in a better head space before my first set of heats.
I should probably tell you that I’m sitting in my room with the bad room coffee even though there is currently a free breakfast being served for those in the competition. You wouldn’t think a free breakfast would cause any stress and I could probably find a secluded spot to eat but then I’d just be imagining everyone would be looking at the pathetic guy by himself. It hits at all the “you don’t belong stuff” and I don’t need that right now. But there is this other part of me that is beating me up saying that it is just breakfast and you should just go.
I’ve known that I’m an introvert for a long time. What I continue to struggle with is accepting that is who I am and that it is OK. Maybe it is because my older brother is a strong extrovert and I grew up in his shadow that somehow there is this part of me that thinks I should be different. At events like this, that feeling just gets stronger and stronger. And the fact that I can’t go easily against my type just brings out the inner bully who tells me to stop being pathetic and just go get some breakfast. (See what happens when you leave me alone with my thoughts for too long??)
The reality is that exposing myself to that environment now is going to be stressful. I’ll have plenty of time later when I start doing heats. So it is OK if I want to sit here and get mentally prepared for the day. At the end of the day, my introversion makes me who I am and going against type is like trying to write with my left hand.
I did have a good time with Z last night. We took an organized sight seeing tour and had a nice dinner. It was less awkward than I expected so that is a good thing.
Well that’s enough introspection. Time to go see if I can tame my hair. I should have gotten a haircut before I came here but my normal place closed down and I haven’t worked myself up to find a new place yet. Guess as I guy, I should just be happy to have hair at this point – although that would make it easier to get ready. Three hours until my first heat.