Anxiety

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I didn’t plan on doing a second post today but something stuff happens and you need to talk about it.  I had a lesson scheduled with Z tonight but just about two hours ago I get a call from her saying she’s sick and needs to cancel.  Now, I can’t be mad at her for being sick except for the fact that she had a respiratory thing going at Showcase and didn’t take care of it so now it’s worse.  So I am a little ticked at that.  And, she didn’t work yesterday so why did she wait until today to finally decide to do something about it.  I’m going to admit that I was already mildly put out yesterday when they shuffled lessons on me so Z could take one of 3 of 3’s couples who could only make it at the time my lesson was scheduled so they just shifted me to the Body Double.  For the most part, I’m flexible and really don’t care but I sometimes feel like they take advantage of that flexibility.  After all, I’ve basically sold my soul to the studio so I’m not going anywhere so they can move me around to keep other fish on the line.  I get that its a business but I spend a great deal of time (and money) at that studio so it bugs me just a bit when I feel I’m being taken for granted.

In her phone message, she starts tossing out other ideas for lessons times but I had basically already booked the times I could do.  I know a 20 minute drive isn’t a lot of time but I do have to work and I have other responsibilities to deal with so it limits when I can actually take a lesson.  I can do it at other times but it means sacrificing more than I already do – getting home late and giving up sleep or having to rush around like made to get dinner and the dogs fed to make an earlier lesson.  But we found a time to make up this lesson.

What is really starting to freak me out is that in 16 days I’ll be hopping on a plane to fly to another Famous Franchise event.  These events are more like real dance comps than a Showcase but they still have that Famous Franchise touch.  Which means they are unbelievably pricy just to get to and then you add heats on.  I’m limited in how many I can do (both financially and by the rules) and Z originally said we didn’t have to do the closed routines but if I’m spending an obscene amount of money, I want to minimize down time so I wanted to do both the closed and open routines in my nine dances as well as some other fun things.  We haven’t touched the closed routines since the last Showcase in November.  I know I can picture them in my head and I really don’t think it will take much time for them to come back but I’ve only got 16 days and the studio is closed on Memorial Day so any day lost just increases my anxiety.  I don’t know why I agreed to do this knowing that I was going to be on vacation last week and that there was going to be limited time to prepare.  Well, I know why I did because I want to live the fantasy.  Not that I have any real expectations of doing well but I’d at least like to be prepared so it isn’t a total disaster.

See, I’ve dealt with Z post illness before and usually the medication messes her up which either limits what she can do or causes her emotions to be more on edge which can lead to the toxic combination we’ve experienced before and that I was so hoping to avoid.  I know, I’m imagining the worst here rather than looking on the bright side.

You know what else is causing me anxiety??  It turns out that we are the only ones from the studio going.  OwnerGuy is going to show up for the dinner on Saturday but it is just me and Z on Friday.  Because it is a Famous Franchise event, they have themed dinner parties both Friday and Saturday night.  I actually dread the parties more than the actual dancing.  Heck, the dancing is over in a couple of minutes but the dinner drags on for at least an hour.  Since we are going to be the only ones from our studio, we’ll end up sharing a table with some other group of people.  Ugh.  More small talk and then there might be the expectation of having to dance with someone I don’t know.  Or, I could just end up sitting at the table watching everyone else dance.  Or I could eat quickly and just sneak out.  Fish completely out of water.  I have a friend at work who is an extrovert who keeps telling me – just go meet people and make friends.  Again, you think it would be easy since we are all at dance event and that is an obvious topic of conversation and I’m the guy so I’m supposed to be the one starting the conversations.  Plus I have to think about what I’m going to wear to fit the stupid theme and how badly I’m going to stand out if I pick the wrong thing.  ARRRGH!

They actually have a party Thursday night but that cost like an extra $700.  I’m sorry, I may be able to afford some things but there is no dinner dance party in the world that is worth that kind of money.  It might be better if we had a large group going so I’d have people to hang with or if I was actually going with my significant other but it would just be me and Z and she knows everyone there and I know nobody.  OwnerGuy was even trying to talk me into going saying he could maybe knock down the price a little bit.  Money is only part of it.  As much as I love these events, they are stressful for me with all the people and stimulation and I don’t need to start out stressing out over some dinner party the night before.  I know in the Famous Franchise world, these things are considered “fun” but that’s a bunch of extroverts talking.  Yes, I know there would be dancing and we take dance lessons to dance but I really find that dancing with someone I don’t know is more awkward than fun.  I worry about what steps to do and there is that whole “do we talk while dancing or do we just dance in silence”.

I know, this is all first world problems and all.  I’m sure many of you really don’t understand how parties can cause so much anxiety but they just do.  I could deal with that if I felt ready to dance but the combination of the two and having a lesson cancelled just created a little maelstrom in my head.  I had to beat it back by getting it all out there.  At the end of the day, I’ll suck it up, push through the next couple of weeks and then just go and have a good time.  OK, I feel better now.  Check back later to see if I survive the next 16 days.

4 comments

  1. Get it all out, we are here for you! I would feel the same way if I was going to that kind of event with my teacher being the only one I knew. Awkward!! Don’t stress about the dancing. You can always practice the routines on your own so you at least have the steps down, and then shore up your technique in your lessons, right? I know what you mean too about feeling like your flexibility is being taken advantage of or being moved out of a lesson time so someone else can take it. Been there! And it’s frustrating and even hurtful. Just remember you’re allowed to set a limit and say no, I can’t be the flexible one this time.

  2. Your irritation is justified at the lesson change. The dinner sounds torturous. My anxiety level jumped up at the thought of it! Don’t go. And continue venting, it’s helpful to see I’m not alone in my issues/personality.

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