Doubt

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I hate it that I have doubts.  I hate it that I can’t find the confidence in myself that others see.  I hate it that I sometimes allow myself to see things that probably aren’t there.  I hate it when I think too much (or maybe feel too much)

First of all, I fully accept that dance instructors have to make money.  We are paying for their expertise and paying them to help us learn.  It is always in their best interest to keep you coming back and buying more lessons.  In theory, its a win/win as you continue to learn and they continue to earn a living.

But dancing to me has become so much more.  It has gone way beyond learning steps and patterns.  It is a voyage of self-discovery.  It challenges me and forces me to confront certain realities about myself.  It causes me to move in ways I’m not comfortable with.  But with each challenge, there are moments of victory when something is overcome when I actually feel I can do something that once seemed so foreign to me.  It excites me and it is something I think about many times during the day.  It is one of the most frustrating and rewarding things I’ve ever done.  It brings out a whole range of emotions – both good and bad and the highs are higher and lows lower than most other things in my life.

And, the bottom line, is I don’t want to share this journey with someone who only sees me as continuing source of income.  Despite that fact that there has to be some professional distance, you form a bond with an instructor.  And, no, I’m not talking about any sort of romantic thing because I’ve never seen her in that way.  (She attracts that from others but I’ve never gone there).  I guess this sounds a little whiny but given the amount of time we’ve spent together, I’d like to feel that she truly does care about me and is truly on this journey with me.  If I look at the whole of our relationship and other things she has said, I really don’t think I have anything to worry about.  She has done enough that I should be convinced that it is about more than the money.

But I have doubts.

And I hate it.

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