We leave for vacation tomorrow. Part of me wants to stay here and keep dancing – the little voice that screams at me “You aren’t ready”. But I also realize two things. One, I’m never going to feel ready. Two, I need a break. I think I could spend all my free time in the studio but then I’d be broke and divorced so that’s not going to work.
Ran through our four rhythm dances last night and got another progress check on the Swing and Bolero. Don’t mind being pushed but I want to scream when they refuse to acknowledge my physical limitations. With the Swing, I need to engage my upper body more and they were illustrating that by doing some exaggerated knee bouncing. I told them that would cause problems for my knee and then got the response “No it won’t hurt”. To which, I wanted to scream “Its my knee. I know what is going to hurt and what won’t”. Then I got the not helpful “Well just do less”. Which is entirely logical but you are introducing a concept I don’t fully get so I’m naturally going to go farther than I need to in order to understand what you are after. So we left it as a concept and something that we could figure out how to work on. (By the way, the knee is sore today and I really want to say “I told you so” but that won’t get me anywhere)
I know why I resist a lot of this but it is not really a discussion I can have with them. They are asking me to move my body in ways I’m just not used to which feels awkward and when it feels awkward, I instantly get self-conscious thinking that it must look like total crap and everyone is going to be laughing at me. Yes, I get that is not a logical response but there it is. Again, I have no problem laughing at myself and if I want to be totally non serious I can do that, but I don’t want to be mocked when I’m seriously trying to do something. Something about doing this makes me feel so vulnerable out there at times and it just makes me want to resist to avoid being laughed at.
This is my constant battle because the logical part of me is with my instructor telling me to “just get over it” but a lot of my negative self image stuff is still there and it can often overwhelm and drown out my logical side. Still, I’ve now had two progress checks and haven’t totally gone to the freak out “you suck” place in my head so maybe I’m making some progress. That’s why I think this vacation is coming at a good time. A week off and then the final push towards whatever awaits at Dance-o-Rama.